We really had it...in the moments.

So to catch you up...

So...some stuff to catch you up on:

1) School sucks.
Yeah, it really, really does. I have good classes and good teachers for the most part, but I feel lost and lonely and like I have no place. So what am I going to do? I have absolutely no idea.

2) That crazy church I went to.
I went to this crazy community church not yesterday, but the Wednesday before. I thought it was a youth thing, but it was the whole church. It was supposed to be a worship service where you could worship any way you wanted. Cool right? Not for little traditional me. You know, I thought that I was pretty contemporary. I am compared to some people and places I guess, but...wow. This just freaked me out. I can really see why some people thing Christians are in cults.

First, the preacher was really creepy looking. Nice enough, gave a pretty good sermon (for the little time he was up there, because it was mainly worship). He was laying on the floor during the service. Facedown. I've always been one to get down on my knees when worship was really affecting me. He was facedown on the ground. That's cool though...strange for a pastor, but...cool.

At the beginning of the service he asked that we only do two things. No running up and jumping on the stage...that's not worship. And not worshiping in a way that's distracting to others. Like screaming...that would be distracting.

Out of NOWHERE, this lady started screaming in a different language. She was black and I was like, "Hmm...perhaps this is Afrikaans..." I was hoping hoping hoping it wasn't tongues. Maybe some of you believe that that is okay. Maybe it is okay, but I've been raised to believe that it really isn't. Especially if there's no interpreter. So when the pastor got up on the stage and started screaming the same thing I was like, "Okay this must be some Hebrew saying or something that they say during worship." I had to find out. I went up to him after the service and he said, "I don't know what language I was speaking. That was my prayer language." And then proceeded to tell me that this service was only for believers so he was sorry if it scared me. I am a believer mister...

Right before the end of the service, everyone had to go up in front of the stage and crowd around for the last song. That is when I truly saw the weirdness of this group. This guy standing behind me seriously was chanting. I mean, if that's your way to worship...cool. But boy was it distracting. I'm singing and he's all, "Glory, glory, glory, glory, glory, glory, glory, glory, glory, glory, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, glory, glory, glory."

Wow...

3) I am very unhappy.
I have a lot of things I need to tell people, but I don't want to make things awkward.

4) I am lame.
If you did not already know, I am very lame. I sit in my room all day and play games and do nothing. It's boring.

Blah blah blah

Sitting in Psychology
Talking 'bout what babies feel
Talking 'bout abortion
Talking 'bout surgery
Wiiiiithoooout anesthesia.

Yeah that was a song I just wrote.

This class is miiighty boring.

I'm gonna have a long entry tomorrow on the church I tried out tonight. I truly understand why some people think churches are cult-like.

I also feel very discouraged right now, so if any of you reading this pray, could you pray for me. I'm sure at least one of my roommates will read this, so yes, I'm talking about you. I feel so bad that some people have had bad church experiences. Horrible ones. I have too. But I've pushed through it and found the church of my dreams. A church where I feel at home. A church that challenges me, yes, but a church that also lifts me up.

The thing is with this...I don't think it's so much that they've had bad church experiences...I think its more the fact that when they go to a church, God is tugging at their hearts...and they don't like the feeling. No one likes to be told they're doing something wrong. No one likes to be told their sinning, but the fact is, you are...every day.

If we're gonna have a religious debate, let me get my words out since I let you have yours. And don't whisper behind my back. plzkthx.




You know I dreamed about you for 29 years before I met you...I missed you for 29 years.

I would still follow you into the dark.

Get with it...

So lately, I've been pretty complacent in everything I do.

Extra two days to work on English paper and I was just like, "Hmm...I think it's good enough." Which it was I guess, because I got an A-...but still.

Tons of free time. I don't want to go out and do anything. There's tons of stuff I should be doing with my photography and music, but I'm not doing anything.

I wish someone could just scream in my face, "GET WITH IT!"

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

So I won't post the lyrics to this song, and I won't write about it too much, but I had my iTunes on shuffle today...like right now actually...and this song came on and I almost started crying. I don't know if its the actual lyrics (well it has to be because at some point in my life I related them to something). It brings back feelings and memories...it's almost subconscious. Like when you eat something and then it makes you sick and it wasn't necessarily the food that made you sick, but you associate getting sick with that food and you don't want to eat it anymore. That's kinda how I feel about this song...except I really want to listen to it...it's one of my favorite songs...but my chest is getting tight. It's hard to breathe. I'm dizzy and sweaty and nervous. I don't know...I vaguely remember associating it with something...oh well, it's over now...a Narnia song is on.

So I said I wouldn't write much about that, but I wrote a paragraph...and now I have to leave to go to lunch. I'm not writing well right now....or maybe I am, I don't know. I got an A- on my first college paper. I'll update about that later today when I get home. Yes, I'm going home again.

lovelovelove.

- Karlee

So I'm hoping not to make a habit of posting lyrics, because sometimes that really bothers me. When I go to someone's page to get an update on THEIR life and all they have is like a full page of lyrics...for every day. But I really like this song too and the lyrics seem...appropriate.

Bleeding thoughts
Cracking boulder
Don't fall over
Fake your laughter
Burn the tear
Sing it louder,
Twist and shout

Way up here
We stand on shoulders
Growing colder
Laugh or cry
I wont mind
Sing it louder,
Twist and shout

Immovable shadows
Concrete girl
They'll rock your world
To nothing
And they're swimming
Around again, again
And they're swimming
Around the concrete girl

Catch your breath
Like four leaf clover
Hand it over

Scream to no one
Take your time
Sing it louder,
Twist and shout

Nothing to run from
Is worse than something
And all your fears
Of nothing
And they're swimming
Around again, again
And they're swimming
Around the concrete girl

Concrete girl
Don't fall down
In this broken world
Around you
Concrete girl
Don't fall down
Don't fall down
My concrete girl
Don't stop thinking
Don't stop feeling

One step away
From where we were
And one step back
To nothing
And we're standing on top
Of hopes and fears
And we're fighting
For words now
Concrete girl
And we're swimming
Around again, again
And we're swimming
Around now
Concrete girl

So there's this song by Band Marino. It's called "Song for a Melody." I find myself repeating it over and over again. I just now looked at the lyrics. I love Band Marino.


Well I don't know how much it means to you,
But I sing it anyway.
And it burns inside me so longingly, that I can't help
But sing it everyday.

And I've watched you play with fire, and give yourself away.
To the world that brings you down.
But I still remember that soft eyed girl who took my hand.
And I wish she'd find her way home again.

Cause I know what it's like,
I know what it's like.

Sometimes I wake up wishing
Just to hear you sing, your melody.
And I know there's someone who you don't want to talk to.
And this aint' just about me.

Cause I know what it's like,
I know what it's like to be alone.

And I would give myself, just to see you free.
But someone went ahead and gave them self in place of me

Just because I'm conservative, doesn't mean I'm not open to seeing, hearing or experiencing different things. Sometimes, I don't want to put the trash in my mind though.

I stand firm in my beliefs and I'm not easily swayed by teachers and people telling me things contrary to my faith. Nothing can be proven. Nothing is real. I will continue to have faith in the One and Only, True God.

I will not be insulted for being conservative, a Christian, or for my medical difficulties. Taking anti-depressants or sleeping pills isn't something to judge. Judging people who deal with that hurts them more you could ever know.



In other news, I've just been notified that a girl from my high school died in a car accident two days ago. I was never really friends with her. We had a class together I think. She added me on myspace a few years ago and we said, "Hi" sometimes at school. I don't understand how things like this can hurt me. I barely knew the girl. I barely talked to the girl. But things like this always impact me.

Please guys, I can't urge you enough. Please wear your seatbelts. I don't want to know what it's like to deal with someone actually close to me dying.

Yeah. I don't really know what to say. I'm enjoying life up here, but something just doesn't feel right.

I'm on more medicine now....

We'll see what happens.


I miiight write some more about this later. I'm eating rice right now...mmm.

So basically, today I had a mental breakdown and almost didn't come back to school. We'll see what happens.

So I'm home again, which a lot of people think is weird, but a) I like my family (and there's a football game tomorrow) and 7) I have to get all my crap off of my old computer (which I'm on now since I can't figure out how to get my mac to get wireless at home) and transfer it to my mac. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've been losing my trust in Geek Squad. I thought about paying them to transfer all my stuff, but it would have been expensive because I have A LOT of stuff. I asked the guy if I had an external hard drive, if I could put all the PC stuff on it and transfer it to the mac. "Yeah!" he said. Except not. Cause mac doesn't accept the format the hard drive has, so I'm freaking out searching online how to re-format it and I have to like boot my PC in all these weird ways and I'm freaking out because it's talking about erasing everything and I don't know if it means from my whole computer...bah! This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me so, sorry.

But I've been sorting through crap on my PC, deciding what to keep and what to toss. I came across all these word documents. I used to save quotes. Everyday I'd open a new word document and start again. I'd fill these things up. I swear, I had a ton of them. Most of them were crap looking back, but I came across a few that I decided to save (in ONE document). So here, maybe you'll find them interesting too.

"Never tell a young person that something cannot be done. God may have been waiting for countless centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossibility to do that thing." - Anonymous

time will pass and wounds will heal
but your walls built up will stay
-secondmonday

"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." Good Will Hunting

"God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

C. S. Lewis

Mere Christianity

If God pats me on the back when I get to heaven, then it will definitely be worth anything here on earth.
-Matt T

"I'll be back"
-Jesus

And last, but not least...

But how are we going to get the chickens to wear the rubber pants?
-Pinky from Pinky and the Brain.

I'm moody right now. Irritable. Depressed slightly. My roommate (Sam, if you're reading this, I still love you) is driving me craaazy right now. She's sitting at her desk with her headphones on (not that it matters, the sound is turned up so loud I can hear it all) laughing at a comedian every five seconds. It was funny the first couple of days. It's still kind of funny when our other roommate, Kelly is here. We can laugh together. But I'm sitting here on the other side of the desks, by myself and I'm going crazy.

Oh she just stopped....we're going to get food. I'll finish this when I get back (the caf is amazing, by the way).

So, I'm back now. The caf has not been so amazing to me today. The caf has basically sucked today. But alas, it happens.

I'm feeling better though, now that I have some food in my system. But the moodiness will occur again I am sure. Sorry to anyone I talk to if I happen to be extra moody. I think I'll feel better when I go home and get all my music and all my pictures and everything on my old computer. And also when I see my family and watch some football and eat some cookies.

I really, really hope I'm not gonna get depressed again. I'm feeling....lost. I always thought of myself as a smart kid. Maybe it was going to private school and being around so few people. But I kinda doubt that. I really was quite bright. I scored high on all my exams, even when I switched to public school. I think that was when I started to get a little depressed, but it went in spurts. It didn't affect me for a while. I did quite well in 7th grade, but dropped off a bit in 8th because I turned into a slacker.

Ninth grade was when it really hit me though. I moved. Not far, but far enough that I wouldn't be going to the same high school as all of my middle school friends. I knew no one at this new school. I won't go into much detail here because the people that read this probably already know all of this, but I made friends and by the end I was doing pretty well. I got myself on some medicine and I got involved in a few things and my friends helped me tremendously and I was doing better. Granted, I was not doing my best. Like I said, I used to be smart. When the depression hit, it took away all of my concentration. All of my thought. I couldn't read or study or do anything. I was just...tired. And sad. And lonely.

And lost.

Well here I am, at a new school and moved away. I know some people here and I'm getting to know more, but I'm not as good as I once was at making friends. I'm not that cute little girl who charms everyone anymore. I think I scare people more than anything. Even my friends. I say things that they don't agree with or don't get and they get scared. Or maybe I just say wrong things. Weird things. And that's what it is. I don't know anymore. I've never really known.

I think I'm changing my major to Psychology. I want to help people like me. I want to help people who are worse off than me (because in reality, I do pretty well).


I don't want to feel like this anymore though. I feel stupid. I really, really do. I scraped through high school. How I got into college, I've no idea, but here I am. And I am completely lost.

I got better my senior year. I could do things again. Better than I had in a long time at least. Write papers that made sense (although I will admit, sadly, that my best pieces of poetry and music come to me when I am completely downtrodden). Read. I could do so many things again.

This is why I am worried right now. I have no desire to read. I have no real desire to do anything. Yes, I would like to go out and meet new people, but I'm just so freaking tired. I can't even write a paper. Seriously, I can't write a paper I have due Friday. I get the topic. I have what I need to say in my head, but I just can't get it out.

This is why I am worried.


Well guys, sorry for the long post. Sorry for the topic being all over the place.

I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.

So I had my first weekend home. And now I'm having my first week back after my first weekend home. I'm going home again next weekend. It's not so much that I'm homesick, but I like home. And I like my parents and my cat and my things. And I like...yeah. Plus, I need to transfer all my old stuff over to my new Mac!!

In other news, I brought home all my laundry and my mom washed it (I washed some of it) and its sitting in a laundry bag and not wanting to get put up. Boo.