My brain is running, but it's on auto-pilot. I feel like I've been conditioned for so long to answer, "How are you?" with, "Fine," that that's all I ever say. When my friends ask: fine. When my parents ask: fine. When customers ask: I'm good. When doctors ask: I'm okay.

When do I ever take the time to think about how I really feel?

Does anyone else struggle with this? I know we all know those people who ask how you are, but don't really care. It's all about being polite. So you give the short simple answer. But do you do that with others as well?

Does anyone have the opposite? The people that do want to know, but you don't want to give detail to so you keep it sweet?

How do I really feel? If I start saying how I really feel will I be called a complainer? A whiner? Is it worth it to be given a title to figure out how you really feel? Or to see if someone would really care?

How am I today?

How am I?

Work sucked. For no reason in particular. Bad mood, bad break time, long period on the express line. Every customer had a case of the Mondays. I had a case of the mondays. And my back hurt.

Felt too tired to go out after work, but I did anyways. For the friends. Watched some movies. Got some love. It cheers me up and makes me think all at once. And then I had to drive home by myself, in the dark, sleepy.

That's how I feel.

I feel like I took an ambien to be able to wake up early tomorrow to go see a movie, but that I probably won't wake up because of the ambien. And I feel like my bf is going to be angry about that. I would be too. I would be too.

Please, just hold on for me.

Well, bye bye, scholarship. With my grades this semester, I doubt I'll be able to pull it up by the next. Even with all A's. Gosh how could I let myself do this? I stopped playing games, I cut back on hours and still I did poor. Worst grades yet in college. Junior year was tough in high school too.

If I lose my scholahship, I won't be able to afford school.

I want to give in.

I need to see my doctors. All of them. I'm having stress issues that are starting to worry me. I do not want to fall back into depression. The stress causes so many health issues for me as well. TMJ, IBS, breakouts, infections. I can't fight anything off. And the panic attacks are starting again. The tightness in my chest. That overwhelming feeling that something isn't right. I need to gain control, but I don't know how.

I just want to lay around and do nothing. I feel the worst I've felt in a long, long time. Help.

I need to stop biting my lips. I do it when I'm nervous. Angry. Trying to look sexy.

I was reading. Poetry. Something sad. Something familiar. And now my lip is swollen like it was sucked on, by a lover, a bit too hard. It'll bruise by morning.

012. Bring a friend to church.

I've been neglecting my blog. I keep going to start one and I just can't think of what to say. I've been tumbling (is that right?) a lot. Tumblring? Tumblrogging? I like tumbling. But I haven't been writing much, just reblogging people's photos, so it's nothing to miss out on. Maybe I'll try to type something out tonight, from my bed.

Sounded like a plane was gonna crash into my house just now.

Yesterday would have been my grandpa's birthday. My grandma had a mass set up for him. I didn't go to this one. Last year's was completely in Latin. I'm kinda sad I missed it though. A second birthday without him. It feels so weird still. I'm used to it. I move on. I live from day to day. But he shows up in my dreams. Or in the silent moments. And it still hurts.

My jaw is very tight right now. I have knots in the muscle. And two big cystic knots on either side. They hurt like a mother.

My skin is not behaving. I want to scrub till I bleed.

New skin.

Final final tomorrow. My gpa is going to be not high enough for my Aid. Might be out of school for a semester.

Am I gonna be alright?

I know how it usually goes.

In love with tragedy..

Why do I always write from my bed?
Because I get sad.
Why do I always get sad in bed?
Becaue I'm alone. My thoughts have time to wander. I take the whole day and the whole week and everything and dump it on myself at once because I couldn't deal with it earlier. No wonder I can't sleep.

I have this weird feeling. And I can't figure out where it's coming from or what it is.

I finished my portfolio I was stressing over. I have just a few exams left.

I should be feeling better.

I feel like I'm hiding from the world. No one knows how I really feel. But I have happy times. I'm not crying or moody. I just don't understand. I kind of wonder if the depression is back, it's just not full on because of the medicine. So what's worse? Fake, empty happiness or deep depression?

At least the weather is nice. And by nice, I mean rainy and gloomy and starting to cool off.

Dear you,
I'm sure you just fell asleep and I realize now that I was neglecting our texting conversation (sometimes I think I'm the last one to reply and assume you're busy...then I realize I never replied at all), but it secretly makes me sad inside when I don't get a reply back from you at night. Truth is, I enjoy falling asleep while texting you.

"But don't wait up just leave the light on
'Cause all the roads that I might take
Will all one day lead back to you"

090. Help my mom and dad with the computer without storming off or going crazy.

an I get a break?

Probably not.

I love raccoons. But when they knock over my trashcans and make the motion sensor light outside of my window turn on it makes me think I'm gonna be killed by a robber. Which is not so cool...

I think sometimes writing makes me more depressed.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. Sometimes I wonder if it's hearing others say how they feel or seeing it. Reading a sad book or watching a sad show. Maybe I've just built it all up for a while. Maybe it's just fate that I feel like this every few months.

I'm happy. I don't understand. I have a lot of good things going for me in my life.

But sometimes I get...sad? Emotional?

My chest is tight and I can't breathe. I told the doctor I'd been feeling like this lately and that I didn't know what was causing the stress, but that it just kept building up and getting worse. That I still wake up tired and that my whole body aches because I tense myself up. That my stomach is eating itself again because I'm nervous over nothing. She said, "And how's school? I guess I'll see you I'm three months."

I'd been fighting to only see her every three months and not to see a counselor and now when I'm showing the signs of needing it, when I'm crying out, she ignores me.

I just wish I could breathe. I feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen.

You're like your own sun.

052. Complete physical therapy and eventually join a gym.

Sometimes I wish I was born in a different time. And then I realize that I have way too many problems to be a functioning human being in a different time. I would have been one of those girls that everyone knew about, but weren't supposed to talk about. Suicide or disappeared mysteriously, sent off to some asylum because nobody knew how to fix me when all the strings broke.

Lying in bed realizing it's been a while since I've posted anything with any substance. So I'll get to feelings later.

In the last two weeks i've seen Brand New, The Get Up Kids, Eisley, Say Anything and Copeland. And now I'm broke. But it was so totally worth it.

I'm officially an active member in my sorority (Christian one), but it's kinda overwhelming. It keeps me busy. But I wonder already if it's keeping me too busy. I also feel like a liar. I haven't been going to church. I haven't been having a quiet time or relying on God for anything. I miss Him.

I have bronchitis. And now I'm having an allergic reaction to the antibiotics. I'm gonna scratch my skin off.

I still don't like Barack Obama. And it's not a race thing, gee.

I've received the 3 best mix tapes (cds) ever this week.

Gosh I itch.

Christmas will be here all too soon. I'm really excited for turkey day though.

I'll edit a picture in here tomorrow cause I think it makes for a better post.

I need to start getting my stuff ready to sell on etsy.

I miss playing music.

I wish I felt better.

I'm all mixed up inside. And itchy.

I am very sick. Getting my xray done today.

Well there goes that idea...

It started like every dream I have, mid-sentence. No idea why.

I wish I wold stop getting sick.

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I couldn't start it,
Too late, for beginnings.
The little things that made me nervous,
Are gone, in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue,
Locked, in your basement.

I see myself stumbling down a downtown street, in red heels, arm in arm with friends and a huge laugh exploding on my face. I imagine that I could be this girl were it not for so many factors. I see these girls. They have jobs. Working in the mornings so they can go out as night and wake up the next morning, a little hungover, to do it again.

I can never be this girl. Reason 1: I can’t wear heels. I just can’t really walk in them. And they hurt my back. I can’t stay out late and wake up early. That cycle wears on me. I’ve tried it. I wish I could keep my days jam packed. It’s so nice to not be bored. To not sit on the couch with my parents, watching TV every night. But I’ve tried to be the party girl. Working, going out, and waking up to work again... I can barely make it through the day. I already have Chronic Fatigue, adding to that a hangover. It doesn’t work.

Alcohol and my meds. They don’t mix. I’ve tried that too. I’ve decided I need to stop drinking. I’ve decided I need to get off my meds. Yet, I don’t do either of those things.

I can’t be one of those well dressed girls, just drunk enough to feel a laugh, stammering to the cute boys around me, wandering in and out of clubs and pubs.

So I sit here on my couch in sweat pants. I write depressing blogs that few read. And I imagine all the things I could be doing with my life. I say all the things I want to do and I make no steps towards the goal.

What have I become?
What have I become?
What was I to begin with?

She takes photographs of people she knows
She brings out the best and worst in them
And God is buried deep in the folds
Of her fractured self and the lies that they've told
She used to laugh at everything old
It was a joke that never aged a bit
But when they robbed her of her infinite smile
She said, "maybe I'll just play dead for a while"


I want to know your fear
from your feet
to the back of your ear

you're what keeps me believing
the world's not long dead
strength in my bones
put the words in my head
when they pour out to paper
it's all for you
cuz that's what you do

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy and they were best friends.

Even though they had issues to work through, they knew they had something special so they held on tight.

That felt weird for some reason. For the most part it was a great night. There were moments when I felt I was on the outside. I've decided I don't like that.

I've been overly sensetive lately. I haven't been crying at everything, but I've felt like crying at nothing.

I'm also going through a pretty rough fibro flare. It's been up and down the last few months and I can feel the down coming back.

I just want to feel good for once. Like even when I do feel good, I can't remember it when I'm feeling bad. I know I've had good days recently, but I honestly can't remember a time when I've felt really good. When I haven't had pain of some sort. When I haven't been out of breath from walking a few steps. When it's been easy to fall asleep or wake up.



I catch myself holding my breath a lot. I'll be so focused on something or so deep in thought that I just forget to breathe. I thought that was supposed to be one of those involuntary things that you didn't have to think about. So why should I have to remind myself to breathe? Does it mean that I'm forgetting to breathe, but purposely holding my breath?

You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat.

I know you wish you could hate me. I'm sorry you can't.

But I'm glad.

Want

So I really want a firefly tattoo. But it's really hard to find one that's decent. I'll probably get a Kurt Halsey tattoo. And I loooove Cherry Blossom tattoos.



OMG.






<3

There are few people that I would die without. I mean I'd be sad if any of my friends died. Any family. But there are some people that I would literally cease to function without. I think some of it has to do with regret. Things left unsaid. The hope of things to come.

095. Change a diaper.


I woke, woke, woke on a pile of grass (?)
I'm slow, slow, slow from the week I've had
I need your smile, your tears, your every-thing

So over and over I glanced by your shoulder
Hoping to see what it's like

You know you were right
You know you were right
YOU KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT
YOU KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT

I'm laying in a bunk bed, in one of the newer cabins at my childhood camp. I never thought I'd be back here again. So much has changed. So much is the same. Kinda like me. I feel like I'm fighting the change God wants for me in my life. In a lot of ways I'm happy and content and I'm terrified if I make changes, people will leave me again. And that I'll be sad again. But then I remember that I still am kinda sad. So I'm not too sure where to go from here. And if I pray about it I know the answer I'll get. So I'm putting it off.

Ps. If you're still reading, I'm kinda lost without you :(

So I found out yesterday that I kinda sorta got cheated on. Or at least lied to. In the last "dating" thing. And I'm surprised that I'm not really hurt by it. Just thankful I didn't show up and find you fucking someone else from work.

Glad it's over and that I've found someone much better :)

She was a wreck, but he loved her. She was a wreck, but so was she.

You just wanna fix yourself. Just to break again.

Are you ever driving and the music you're playing just fits perfectly? Like if you were in a movie and you looked put the window as the wind blew through your hair and music started playing, this is what you'd hear.

The timing isn't right.


I think God places certain people in our lives for a reason. I think that one person may be ready while the other is not. Can you blame the other person? You can, but it doesn't make it right. You can only pray that one day they will see or learn or fix whatever God wants them to fix before they can unite with the right person.

Can it work another way? Can both people see the connection, but one realizes its not the right time while the other does not?

I hope a girl does come along that thinks you're worth it. I want you to be happy. If she doesn't come along, I'll probably still be sitting here making the wrong decisions.

Le sigh.

Why can't I make everyone happy?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pleaser. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to be happy. Even most people I don't like. I still want then to like me.

I've made my best friend unhappy by making someone else and myself happy. How do I fix that? I can't. You know I love you. And you know I don't want to hurt you. But I don't see it working right now.

And I'm happy. I'm really happy. I'm smiling. I'm taking care of myself.


It's not "facebook official," but it's there =)

I have to write an article by tomorrow and I work till 10. I think I'm gonna write a satire about how guys can win against the Edward Cullens in girls' minds.

And then I'm gonna fail.

Everybody needs something to live for.

I do not want to work today. I never want to work anymore.

I want to crawl back in bed. Not even sleep. Just lay.


Whip It is my current favorite movie.

A quote from the book I quoted.

It's true, you know.

I'm in a bad place right now.

Last night the thought crossed my mind to swallow a bottle of pills. I haven't had a thought like that in a long time. It was just there. How do I deal with this?

"She gets up and searches aroun her backpack for a moment, and then reaches over and grabs The Bell Jar, and reads to me. 'But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so whte and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.' She sits back down next to me, close, facing me, the fabric of our jeans touching without our knees actually touchig. Margo says, 'I know what she's talking about. The something deeper and more secre. It's like cracks inside of you. Like there are these fault lines where things don't meet up right.'"

Tonight I had my first nosebleed.

I think I'm excited about this.

I'm sorry.

Panic attack

Lying in bed.
Tight chest.
Bed shaking like a cheap, coin operated motel matress.
Gritting my teeth hard.

Brain zaps.

But I can't figure out what it is exactly.

Other than the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a few days.

Disagreements happen when friends wanna be more than friends. Been down that road before. Didn't work. I just don't wanna mess things up. Idk what I want. My head is full of feelings that don't make sense.

My body hurts.
I can't think.
It makes me feel stupid and it always seems to pop up when I have a paper due or midterms. How am I supposed to get through school and work when sitting at home, doing nothing makes me feel bad?

So I'm thinking. If I were still at my first school, I first off don't know if I'd be alive.


I would have come back for the summer and worked a horrible job. I would have watched my grandpa slowly whither away and die. I would have seen the toll it took on my dad and grandma and realized there was nothing I could do. And then I would have gone back.


I would have gone back to almost no friends. My one roommate would have moved back home. My other would have moved out the next semester. I don't know if I would have stayed in my relationship or relied on it. I'd like to think that I would has plugged myself in with the few people I knew. But I don't think I would have. If I made it to second semester I would have gotten a frantic call one Sunday morning that my dad was going to the emergency room. I would have had to go to an emergency room by myself twice.


Most of the people I talk to are from work. A place I wouldn't be if I had stayed up there (although other things wouldn't have happened as well). I wouldn't have my sorority because the chapter up there dissolved. I'd have no church (even one I don't go to).


But the point I want to make is that, I'm pretty sure I would have killed myself. And through all the last two years have brought me, I'm thankful for my life.

I had a good time tonight. With a lot of laughs.

Smells I like a lot.

Fresh baked bread

Fresh waffle cones

Rain

Gasoline

A crisp fall breeze

Old books

Old things that smell like old smoke

Leather

New shoes

Coffee

Axe Phoenix body spray

A boy's shirt

Washed clothes

So today my car broke down. Stalled on the way to school. Wonderful... So now I need a new alternator.

Do you ever have moments when areas of your skin are just really, super sensitive? Like a finger or two or a spot on your leg? My finger hurts. It like feels normal till it gets touched or rubbed on something. Then it feels like raw. Suhweeeeet!

010. Try real sushi.

082. Spend a week at the beach and don’t stay inside the whole time.

I gave blood yesterday. They started to take it out of my right arm, but it just wasn't coming out. I'm pretty much thinking she went right through the vein. It's bruised now =( My other arm had no shortage of blood though. It actually spurted it out everywhere. Hawt. Apparetly I'm still on the low end of normal iron too. They made me give less blood too cause I don't weigh a lot. A least that makes me feel good.

So I don't know if I mentioned it on here, but my sister is preeeeeeggerrrrrs! She's having a little boy in February (my month!!). And even though I think we were kinda hoping for a little girl (secretly of course...kinda. My mom put a tiny bit of pink in the blanket she knitted), we're really excited and this baby is gonna be so, so spoiled!

I'm also still hoping I don't fail German.

My belly rumbles.

Stop telling me to stop talking!! WTF it's 1 in the morning and you're still with her?! Is she edging checking your phone for every text? I said one thiiiiing.

In other news, I'm feeling so lazy that I decided not to shower. Talk about ew. I wish I could go days without showering. It takes a lot of effort and energy to do that everyday. Sadly though, I work and I smell. So cleanliness it is! Except not tonight. Too lazy. But I hate the feeling of being dirty. I like showers I just wish someone else could wash me lol. Cause my arms hurt :(

Sleepy head

So apparently, blogging from my phone while I'm in bed is my new thing. I don't think most of the posts make sense, serve a purpose, or have good grammer. But hey, why not?

I'll tell you why not. My phone charger cord has frayed and the wires jab my fingers when I type. I'm gonna be electrocuted tonight. Only slightly worried about that. I just unplugged for now. It's safer that way.

I don't know if it's just the weather...I know it's not just me. I've been feeling pretty down lately. I mean I'm not super depressed like I have been. I have times when I feel good. But even in those moments I find that there's always a tinge of sadness or anger, jealousy or fear. It's always there, like a monster waiting just around the corner.

I don't even know where a lot of these emotions are coming from. I know that most of them are exaggerrated and uncalled for.

I feel very lonely. When I'm not texting or talking to someone I get overwhelmed. It's terrifying to think that I rely on people this much. Of course then, why am I depressed? Because the last like 5-10 friendships I've tried out have ended in failure. Because friends I thought would always be there for me abandoned me. Because I fall for idiots and they end up being just what they are.

And can I ask a few questions. Why do I even want to be friends with you? We loved each other and will always have a connection, but how could I view you as a best friend? All you do is ask for sex or naked pictures. You would cheat on her if I let you. And I won't let you. The same thing happened to you. Why would you do that to someone else? Ok, well maybe it's cause she's a bitch. Just saying...
But seriously, I'm tired of being told to "stop texting" because you're gonna see her.

And second question set: why would I even still think about you? You're an asshole. And I think I'm officially over it. I hope so at least.

Idk if I should use this outlet like a diary. I don't really know if anyone wants to read all this. But for now I'm gonna keep rambling.

I have several guys that wanna take me on dates. Why do I feel so lonely?

I'm really afraid I'm gonna fail some classes this semester. I'm working a lot. I decided to take on this sorority and they have things they want me to do as well. And I just keep putting things off and then realizing there's a lot left to do. I don't want to just scrape by with mediocre work.

I'm gonna have to seriously stop wasting my time on the internet. And in front of the tv. I have got plenty of free time I just need to allocate it.


I think more than anything I just really long to be touched. I need to feel some passion. Some spark.

I hate to say that I don't even care if it's random or going somewhere. I just need to feel something.

I'm on a path of destruction. I'm on a train going somewhere I don't wish to go. Stop please, I'd like to get off.


I don't care just where you go
as long, as long it's with me
and I don't care just what you do
as long, as long as it's with me too.

Why on earth am I still awake. Ridiculously long day. And here I am unable to sleep. I was falling asleep in the car but I'm awake now. I need something...

I started rereading my posts from the last few years. It's intense to see the change.

lying in bed
listening to bon iver
thinkng
Thinking
hearing my dad snore
relaxing
chapped lips
my,my,my,my,my,my,my,my

is this jealousy?
i know it's not "not caring"

when do I get to feel good?
when does life slow down?

I was right. He's talking to me again. But it still sucks having to hide it.

My eyes hurt from staring at the computer for so long. But at least I've been doing homework.

My dad is snoring next to me. Oops he woke up.

Random stream of consciousness=this blog.

My ears are itchy, as is my throat. I need to take a shower. I don't want to wake up for school tomorrow.

I have two weeks to meet with a bunch of girls in my sorority. To "get to know them." and I definitely don't think I have enough time. Thirty girls trying to meet with like 15 girls, all trying to work around school and work schedules. Not. That. Easy.

I've got a lot of work to do.

I've been accepted to a group and have a family of new sisters. I am so blessed to have been given this opportunity. I've really messed up my life, but God is still here to help me put everything back together.

I'm rushing for a Christian sorority this week. The first night was extremely fun and I wish I had found something like this at my last school. But this is where God wants me I guess.

Which brings me to my next point. I see myself really enjoying this and the opportunities and the friends I will have. But what influence will I have on them? Where does this leave my current life? What changes will I have to make and will I have the strength to make them? I'm not sure about that last one. Or maybe I have the strength, but not the will. I like what I do. I like how I act. For the most part.

Will I still be able to (or want to) go out and party for my 21st birthday? I've been planning on that for a while.

I'm also completely heartbroken. She pulled him away from me. My best friend. Even when I was upset with him, I could still tell him anything because he knew everything. And now we can't even be facebook friends? How does that work? Does she think that'll stop him from talking to me? Will it stop him from talking to me? I've called these things before (please reference previous posts haha), but it still hurts to be ignored. But no guy can stand a controlling girl. And he's not even getting any. So I don't think this will last long. I hope this won't last long.

Hooooow many friends do I have to go through before I find another true one?!

My email is karleetron@gmail.com for the girlie that wanted to know :) Can't wait to read about you!



I'm planning on rushing for a Christian sorority called Theta Alpha. It starts on Monday and I'm a bit scared. I think it would be a great step in the right direction for me, but a big part of me doesn't want me to do it. I've been having too much fun. I don't think the fun is helping me much though. Prayer that I will be courageous is appreciated.

Also, since I'm adding prayer requests, if anyone would like to pray for my friend's family, they've just lost the patriarch of their family. A father, grandfather and great grandfather too I believe. It's definitely a rough time for them.

Also, prayer for the Salamys is always welcome. Their blog can be found here

And their previous blog, detailing the life of their daughter Anna can be found here What an amazing family and an amazing story.

Run away

Do you ever feel like you just want to turn everything off and just run away?

I wanna turn off the computer. Turn off the phone and the texts. Avoid the facebook stalking and the memory of all the mistakes I've made this last year. Pry the phone out of my hand and flex so it's not in a permanent claw shape. I might get lonely. I'd like someone to go with me. But maybe this is something I need to do alone. But not really alone. Get back to nature. Get back to God.

If I thought I was complacent before, I don't know what I am now. I've allowed myself to fall into sins that I never thought I'd touch. I allow myself to be disrespected and thrown around. And for what? A few moments of what I thought were happiness? If this is happiness, I'd hate to feel misery.

I don't want to retreat into a shell. I've made a lot of friends and I've enjoyed having fun, but if retreating is what it takes...I'll go fetal position and comatose. I don't wanna be stuck like this forever.

Words like that should make a girl melt. And while my smile reaches inside, that slight twinge I feel is nothing compared to the hollowness.

It's been a good while since I've taken a new picture of myself.

It's been a good while since I've felt good. Really good. There are good moments, but...what happened?

So YOU tell me to message her. I tell her I know EXACTLY how she feels. I've been in the same situation. I tell her me and you will always be friends. And now you say I shouldn't contact her again and I should just stop talking to you to. WTF? What's the problem here? I feel like my heart is broken. I feel like its never going to heal again.

I miss Brandon's mom so much. I heard her voice on the phone and I almost started crying. What am I supposed to do about that?

500 days of summer

I recently saw 500 Days of Summer. It was one of those movies that I wasn't sure exactly what to feel. I enjoyed it. It wasn't what I was expecting. It brought back the feelings I felt when I first saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was disappointed. There was no happy ending. It did, however leave open the possibility for happiness.

The movie definitely made me think. Unrequited love. How can you find the person you KNOW is the one for you and have them not feel the same? Does this mean there's more than one person out there for us? Can we truly "fall in love" more than once?

It's the worst feeling in the world to fall for someone and not have those feelings returned. "If only he could realize that we'd be perfect together..."

All I know is, that through all the pain we've all gone through with trying to find "the one," we've learned. We may not realize exactly what we've learned yet, but eventually we may see that it was so and so or such and such that taught us what we really want.


In addition to all that...the soundtrack is excellent.

002. Go to Seattle (okay I already have this one planned, but it’s a goal!).

011. Re-read all the Harry Potter books (1/7).

054. Make 10 new friends (1/10).

So if I say I'm a canvas painted bright red, what are the implications of that?

I'm at work. Updating on my phone. I have a few new things to cross off the list, but I don't think I can do that on my phone.

I keep saying I wanna look for a gym with Sarah but then I work and never get back with her so we stlill haven't done it.

Someone just pooped in the break room and it smells bad. Ewwwww

bye the way, I got maybe 1 hour of combined sleep last night and I'm like wide awake hyper. Can you tell?

ps...

Kateeee:

I just saw your comment and went to check out your blogs, but they're private! Saaaad :(

Here's an update:

Community college still hasn't sent my transcripts and degree to real college so...I probably won't get classes for the fall term. Yay for trying really hard to stay up-to-date with school and...getting behind again.

Boys suck.

Um, boys suck again.

I'm getting depressed again. But, instead of crying all the time, I'm just really aggravated and numb to everything else. I guess numb isn't the right word. I feel everything. And it hurts more than it should. But I don't cry and I don't get angry. I just sulk.

I feel like I've lost a lot of friends.

I feel like I'm ugly.

I feel like I'm prettier than the three girls, you lot chose.



I read HP7 again. And I lurved it and want to read it again. But I'm gonna read 6 and then read 7 again haha.

If I ever stop playing WoW. I hit 60!

Sad, that's the one thing I'm excited about.

Pill(ow) talk

Pill talk:  I don't need fancy words but when will I find a guy that's excited enough to talk about me to shout my name to the tops of the status mountains. 

I don't need to get laid. In fact, getting laid would probably make me more depressed. If that
makes me a chicken...albeit I'm a chicken.

I can do it. I can go for days. I won't give in. I won't give in.

I will not let myself be used again. A slap on the wrist if that's what it takes.

Vacation is coming at the perfect time.

So I'm in bed writing on my sleeping pill. There's been a lot of stuff I've wanted to write about recently but even though only like 3 people read this blog, I was afraid of the judgement I might receive.

I got an iPhone eeeeeeeeee!

I pick up shifts when anybody needs it. But when I need one short shift (3 hours!!!) covered, no one can do it. WTF, mate? Time to go to work.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

I'm done with so many things.

I'm done with school.

I'm done with caring...

I should've known not to get involved again.

Hi, Sam! Here is something new for you to read. Um...but what to actually write about.

I went to a concert (Bon Iver). And it was amaaaazing. I failed a math test. My tummy hurts...and uh...my phone keeps sucking....and...all I wanna do is play WoW.

My heart hurts.

Don't pull me in anymore.

Don't come back to me when this doesn't work out.

This isn't a friendship.

I don't know what it is.

Tattoo idea: a heart with tree texture and forever in the middle. So it'll be like something carved in a tree. I couldn't find a good picture to illustrate. I might photoshop something up later.

I haven't had much time to work on my list lately. I've been playing WoW a lot.


Also, people are driving me crazy. This worries me because I get irritable when my meds stop working the right way.

But I also get irritable when I don't feel well. Emotionally and physically. And since those two go hand in hand normally...it's a double whammy.

My heart still hurts. I just shouldn't let it bother me.

My cat just knocked over a stack of papers and things by rubbing her face on them. Cute. Now she's going to eat more.

Has it come to this? Where I actually blog about my cat and a broken heart.

I've been out walking.
I don't do too much talking these days.

It's just that I've been losing so long.

My archer woman's got a broken heart
I tried to jump it but it wouldn't start
And if she'd see, I'd give the very best of me
Oh, if she'd see, I'd give the very best of me.

049. Ask to hear stories from Nana and Grandma before I no longer can.

So...I've been thinking a lot. Starting last summer I got very depressed. I was home from school and I wasn't as happy as I thought I'd be. I had been miserable at school and I don't think my roommates knew, but I missed the few people I had met up there. I had a crap job where I was disrespected and earned nothing. I was taking care of my grandpa at least two days a week. Normally more.

We weren't super close, but he was a good grandpa. We thought when he died it would be a relief. Part of it was. Mostly it was just very hard. My boyfriend at the time and his family did their best to help me. I repaid him by withdrawing to myself and eventually breaking up after our anniversary. I got a new job and met new friends, but July-December 2008 is all a blur.

I jumped right into something with a new guy, became very attached and scared him off. I basically had a breakdown from January to February. I kept it very deep inside, but it was there. I moved on to a new guy. Much slower this time.

The first guy came running back apologizing and I, being so ignorant fell into it again. He ran away yet again and came back. By this time I was onto my third conquest. I woke up one morning to find he had a girlfriend listed on facebook. That was a surprise. The first guy still didn't want a girlfriend and the second said he wasn't interested anymore.

During all this I was trying to get out of my funk (which I'm still in). I was trying to go out and party. I was trying to find someone to make me feel anything at all. Somehow I ended up with the second guy again.

I fell ridiculously hard for him. Now he doesn't want a relationship. He says he was foolish and stupid to lead me on and that was "the last thing" he wanted to do.

Looking back, this has all been very fast. Five months and I've moved through 3 new guys, several times. And I've felt used and disrespected. My heart feels like it's not there anymore. My chest feels concave and hollow.

This all seems very emo, but my point is that this whole time, I've been looking for something to fill this hole that started in me more than a year ago. And nothing seems to be working.

I cried myself to sleep. I hope it doesn't happen again.

99. Go fishing.

Too bad afterwards was a horrible night.

I continue to put my whole heart into things, only to get burned.  Nothing but ash remains.

Is it sad I want to reread Twilight before I read any of the other books I have?

Yes, I know it is.

What can I say, I'm in the mood for something romantic :)

Damn you!  Stop panicking and scaring people away!

My heart kind of burns.  And I'm not sure I know why.  I mean, I know why, but I don't know if it should be happening.

Do you ever have a song that you can listen to a thousand times and not grow tired?

I've got 25.  Top 25 most played in my iTunes.  And seriously, I could listen to the same songs for hours.  And they're almost all from several years ago.  Meaning I've liked them for a long time.  I love music.

She's so smart today
She thought she could be right here again, but
She can only see, what she's afraid to see
She's now scared...

She says, I, I can't please myself
(Applause please..)
And it's you who I can't be from, unless

Empty stares, did you find it there..
Always by your side, knowing nothing well it's always right
And we've come oh so far to gain some strength and now we've pulled too hard
Now all you want is gone 
And now I'm all I've got

So he tested time
It's time he thought she'd meet again
It's his selfish mind
That gives him this empty life
He now escapes, he said "I, I can't please myself"
And it's you, your all I want, unless..

Empty stares, thought we'd go down there
Always by your side, knowing nothing, well it's always right
And we've come oh so far to gain some strength and now we've pulled to hard
And now all you want is gone
And now I'm all I've got

Wait and see, that it's not just me
It's everything.. in our lives..
I'll make some space but it's hard, 
But I can't do anything to make this wait

And if all you want is gone
And now all you want is gone
And now I'm all I've got...

Oh and ps.

Now I'm wide as the ocean
Now I bleed roses
And you are just a mark
on the map of my past
But I am a road
I wind along alone
All day until the coast 

strange how it happens...

still waiting to be found...

I have a heart booboo.  How did I let this happen again?

I just have to laugh at it.  Like seriously, laugh at it.  Make it a joke.  I wrote something in my actual journal a while ago and I know its not original, but this is how it feels:

"Strange how it happens:

The heart can literally hurt

And the chest can feel hollow.

All because of a simple motion."

However corny it may be, when Bella was talking about trying to hold her ribcage together because it feels like it was falling apart...thats what mine feels like during a panic attack.  And today is gonna be a constant one.

I want a pocket knife.  If any of mine are repeats, I'm replacing it with "I want a pocket knife."  Lolz.

Jealous of pocket knifes and jealous of Death Cab, Matt Costa, and Ra Ra Riot.

But I'm going to see Jenny Lewis, possibly Jack's Mannequin and possibly Bon Iver...um that would be wonderful.

What do I do when he says he's confused?  And when I'm in such a weird mood that I get paranoid and over think everything he says.  I really like him.  And I want this to work.

Finally, the list.

Here is the website where you can follow my progress.  http://courage-dearheart.blogspot.com/ I'll try to post it here as well, but I wanted it to have its own steady link.

001.  Read the Bible everyday.

002.  Go to Seattle (okay I already have this one planned, but it’s a goal!).

003.  Get my “courage, dear heart” tattoo.

004.  Take a self-portrait everyday for a year and post it to flickr.

005.  Fly a kite.

006.  Write a song.

007.  Graduate with my Bachelor’s.  On time.

008.  Watch all the movies on my list of must-see movies.

009.  Spend a night under the stars.

010.  Try real sushi.

011.  Re-read all the Harry Potter books.

012.  Bring a friend to church.

013.  Drive nowhere with a friend and see where we end up.  Bring GPS so we can get home.

014.  Buy as much Polaroid film as I can find, since they aren’t making it anymore.

015.  Carve something into a tree.

016.  Replace my Disney VHS collection with DVDs.

017.  Respect myself.

018.  Respect myself by not letting others disrespect me.

019.  Love others.

020.  With respect, learn to love myself.

021.  Learn how to save.

022.  Learn how to invest.

023.  Become published.

024.  Visit every state.

025.  Learn something new every day.

026.  Fly to New York City for a day or a weekend and see everything.

027.  Shoot a gun.

028.  Play real golf.

029.  Go to Key West.

030.  Finish all the books I’ve started, but never finished (except for A Separate Peace).

031.  Have a meaningful conversation on a swingset.

032.  Get a library card.

033.  Adopt a pet when I move out.

034.  Learn to cook.

035.  Perfect recipes I already know.

036.  Finish my middle school/high school scrapbook.

037.  Grow a garden.

038.  Grow my hair out and keep it that length for a while.

039.  Go paintballing.

040.  Take a sewing class, so I don’t have to keep asking for my mom’s help.

041.  Take a quilting class.

042.  Finally finish the blanket I started crocheting 10 years ago.

043.  Become a wine and beer connoisseur.  Not an alcoholic.

044.  Waste film on lomography because it’s fun.

045.  Buy an EF 50mm f/1.8 Canon lens.

046.  Buy a Canon wireless remote.

047.  Get out on my own.

048.  Don’t  waste time watching reruns of shows I’ve seen.

049.  Ask to hear stories from Nana and Grandma before I no longer can.

050.  Visit my family in West Virginia again.

051.  Visit my family in Pennsylvania again (preferably not for a funeral).

052.  Complete physical therapy and eventually join a gym.

053.  Clean out my closet and try not to hold on to so many things.

054.  Make 10 new friends (0/10).

055.  Make a quilt.  Even if it looks like poo.

056.  Keep growing my art collection.

057.  Do something creative with all my pressed flowers.

058.  Sell the button boxes and other crafts I make on etsy.

059.  Don’t allow myself to become addicted to scratch-offs.

060.  Wake up early enough to see the sunrise at the beach.

061.  See the sun rise on the east coast and set in the west on the same day.

062.  Get better at tennis.

063.  Ask my dad to play ping pong.

064.  Gee, break a 100 in bowling.

065.  Complete a paper before the night before it’s due.

066.  Fly a kite.

067.  Keep my room clean for a whole week.

068.  Take my vitamins everyday.

069.  After finishing all the books I’ve started, read at least one new book a month.

070.  To facilitate this, join a book club.

071.  Sell a photo.

072.  Only buy things when I need them.

073.  Go to the chiropractor more often.

074.  Go to the doctor less.

075.  Get off as many medications as I can.

076.  Get off caffeine.

077.  Eat healthier.

078.  Journal once a day, for a week.

079.  Blog once a day, for a month.

080.  Go without the internet for a whole day (ahhh!).

081.  Go without TV for a whole day (double ahhhh!).

082.  Spend a week at the beach and don’t stay inside the whole time.

083.  Have a fling.  Don’t get attached (Idk how much I like this one, but we’ll see).

084.  Practice piano regularly for 3 weeks in a row.

085.  Practice guitar.

086.  And learn a new song.

087.  And play it in front of people.

088.  Go to a karaoke bar with friends.

089.  And participate in at least 3 songs.

090.  Help my mom and dad with the computer without storming off or going crazy.

091.  Start my next list (especially since this one took so long.

092.  Visit a friend in another state.

093.  Visit Jeff and Rachel (former youth minister and wife).

094.  Take more pictures.  takemorepicturestakemorepicturestakemorepictures.

095.  Change a diaper.

096.  Get laser hair removal.

097.  Take a minute, to take a breath and enjoy something small.

098.  Build something.

099.  Go fishing.

100.  Give something important away.

101.  I don’t know that I should limit myself to falling in love in 1001 days, because God will give me that when it’s time.  So I’ll add it, but it’ll stay on the list for as long as it needs to.

I'm working on that list...

Only to 039.

Ooooops.

I'm starting something new.  It'll be posted here soon.  I'm gonna commit to do 101 things in 1001 days.

Started here.

A good example is here.

I think I'm gonna create a new blog for it, just so it has its own page, but I'll blog ABOUT it here.

One of the things is gonna be to take a self portrait every day for a year.  There's a flickr group.  I started to try last year and failed.  So, hopefully I'll be able to get it done.  I need to do things.  I need to change.  I need to get involved.

I can't win. I can't win. I can't win.

I don't even think I want you anymore and I'm still hurting over this.

Dreaming about it.  That's how I know something is on my mind.  Even when I try to push it out, it still pops up.  It just hurts so much that in one of our last conversations I said, "I'd rather have truth, than happiness from lies" and you still lied...

What you did was spiteful.  Congratulations.  You finally won.

We won't be friends until this is over.  I don't see it lasting, but who knows.  And then you'll come back, apologizing and saying how wrong you were.  Because isn't that how all boys are?

I am through with boys.  I've decided.  I am through with trying to deal with the immaturity.

I need to find me a man.

And you!  The other one!  Why won't you freakin' talk to me?!

This is my ranting, emo, complaining post.  How did everything go from being happy and nice (albeit frustrating) to this...?

You freakin' lied to me.

Not the casual dating type...bs.

And yeah I saw her talking to my friend and went to stand by them because I was waiting for him.  She completely ignored me and kinda gave me a dirty look.  Now I know why.

Great...I see the bitch everywhere.

I didn't even have that much stock in you and somehow I still end up heartbroken.

What do I want?

Well that is a good question.

I don't feel like I want a serious relationship.

But I don't want to be the "booty call" girl either.

If there was even the glimmer of a future, I wouldn't mind so much, but you don't want a relationship either, so I refuse to be that girl.  I refuse to be used.

In other news, my phone is sucking again.  I've already had it replaced twice so I think it's time for them to give me a new, different kind of phone.  I would like an iPhone.  I can only choose from 3 phones though.  So that kinda sucks.

In other, other news, I'm feelings worse again.  Migraines everyday, bloating, achey body.  I don't sleep through the night, even on sleeping pills.  I just can't wake up in the morning.

All I do is complain.

This song is in a commercial.  I like it haha.

http://90210.mysfdomain.com/state_farm_sixteen.mp3

Called it.

That's disgusting.  I am so glad we broke up and I do NOT want to get back together.  This just made me almost barf.  I mean hooking up with two girls in one night...most likely in the same bed.  And I mean...I have no words.  I wish you could see my face.  It's disgusted.  I mean if I were a guy, I'm sure I'd be going, "Oh yeah man that's awesome!"  But I'm not.  So ew.

We almost went to Starbucks tonight and I would have keyed your car.  Or done something to it.  This is to get out the rest of my anger.  Then hopefully I'll be through.

Look if you really meant all those things that you said, you would have sat down and had a mature conversation with me, but you're scared.  You're scared of opening up to people and you're scared of being vulnerable and you probably don't even want to do what you said.  So keep going from girl to girl, until you're too old to do it anymore.

calm that wicked wind,
to pick you up
and carry you off eastward,
though i did release you
for to seek a warmer sky

should you be blown back
know that i will always run to greet you,
still surprised to catch you
every time

armed with this small butterfly net
i will face the world alone
& never be lonely

so calm that wicked wind,
& if you go, you could be gone forever
i will play awhile here
by & by & by & by -

armed with this small butterfly net
i will face the world alone
& never be lonely

up & up you go
for to steal the secrets of the heavens
will you share them with me
my bright & brilliant spy?

should you be blown back
know that i will always run to greet you
still surprised to catch you
every time
still surprised to catch you
by & by & by & by -

Bishop Allen is amazing.

I smothered you.  I clung.  

And I pleased you in more way than one. (didn't intend for this to rhyme).

I gave you a second chance.

But you aren't willing to give me one.

But I stay strong, and move on.

But I'm gonna call it like I did last time.  You won't easily forget the connection we had.  You won't easily forget me.  And next time, I might not be around to take you back.

My dad's friend was like the vice executive president of something at a certain bank branch in a major city.  They merged with another bank.  And he just got forced out.  Now he's got a lot of money.  He's money smart, that's why he works for a bank.  But they offered him a promotion and he took it and then they fired him.  And now he's without a job.  It's scary how quickly it can happen and how it can happen to anyone.  Pray that he'll find a job somewhere and he can keep providing a comfortable life for his stay-at-home wife and 3 little girls.  (Even though I'm extremely jealous of all they have, he's worked hard to get there and he deserves to keep what he's earned).

Pray for the father of a friend of mine who has a commitment to the family business, but has a strong dream to be a gospel singer.  I think he'll make it if he can get the business taken care of.  And pray for his son, my friend, who feels he has to make the same commitment to the business.

This is partially so I can remember to pray as well haha.

And for a friend of a friend who's going through a rough time.

And my friend, who's in rehab, and has a tough decision to make.  And her family.

No names...just in case no one wants anyone to know....that's gramatically switched around.

Dear you,

You make me happy.

Dear you,

You make me happy.

Dear you,

Talking to you makes me happy.

Dear you,

Seeing you makes me happy.

Dear you,

Getting texts from you puts a smile on my face and brightens my day.

Dear you,

Texting you throughout the day keeps me going.

Dear you,

You make me happy.

I've had several dreams lately about going to California.  I do not know why.  I do not know what I'd do there.  All I know is that I have this strange urge to go out there.  To see everything.  I really would like to take a cross-country roadtrip.  To see every state.  But California is calling out to me.  Whyy, why?!  This will need some prayer I think.

Not all "you's" are the same

Dear you,

You told me that I had nothing to worry about, but now I know I did.  She wanted you all along and was just waiting for us to break up so she could pounce on you.  So go up to her.  You're free now.  Yes, it probably will hurt my feelings.  It already has.  But I have no claim on you and I don't want you back, so go.  She's got it planned.  The roommates are out.  And you just confirmed it. "Oh well I'm gonna go fuck her brains out now."

The question is, will you still be my friend or did our relationship mean nothing to you for a year?  You said you didn't care.  So, I guess it's up to you.

Love (or don't),

Karlee

Dear You,

Dear you,

I really like you.  It makes me kind of sad that you're very busy and it makes me even sadder that by the time you are not busy anymore, you might be moving away.

You are very confusing.  But for some reason I'm still drawn to you.  And you seem to be somewhat drawn to me, since you picked me out of everyone else available to you.

A little reassurance from you wouldn't hurt though.  You don't have to commit to anything, but just tell me.

Dear other you,

I wish boys were not always so crappy.  We seem to have similar troubles sometimes, but I don't always want to compare us to each other because we have un-similar problems as well.  I pray for you when I remember to.  And I think about you and your situation a lot.  And since God hears my thoughts, and when talking to myself, I'm really talking to Him, I guess I pray about it a lot haha.

Dear other other you,

You drive me crazy with your constant questioning.  I think you're just curious, but wait until we're having a conversation to ask things maybe.  You push and push and it makes me go insane.

Dear former love interest,

You were a very good friend for a while and I fell pretty hard for you.  When you showed the same feelings I was ecstatic.   Until you told me you were just having fun.  We didn't talk for almost a year and things were very awkward.  Then we slowly started to become friends again and that one time you seemed truly interested in pursuing a deep friendship.  Then you just stopped talking.  Then another time I wrote a note to you and told you how I was sad that we weren't friends anymore, but that I was also really mad about it.  Then you acted like the note didn't exist, but you started talking to me again.  Theeeeen I asked you if you had heard that CD and you didn't respond, but you responded to those other people.  So I give up.  I'm done.  Everyone thinks we'd be perfect for each other and for some reason, even though we never talk, they think we'll get married.  I don't see it happening.

Ps.  You need to grow up.

Dear Poppa,

I still think about you at random times and get sad.  I didn't deal with it when I should have and now it's coming back in weird ways.  I miss you and I'm glad I got to spend time with you at the end.  I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of the time before you got sick.  I love you.

Dear body,

Why are you craving sweets?  Are you preggers?  I would hope not.  That would be hard to explain.  Stop craving donuts please.  My mouth cannot resist and you are going to get fat.  Do you want to get fat?!

PS. Dear canker sore in my mouth,

Please go away.  I know I created you with all my stress and you were just trying to warn me to slow down so I wouldn't get sick, but I didn't slow down and I'm getting sick and you're making the problem worse.  And you really, really hurt.  Like a lot.  So please go away.

I'm trying to keep up with homework, but there's one assignment I keep putting off. Bad bad bad! I do not want to fail!

Virginal

So what defines a virgin?
Pure in body?
Pure in thought?
The dictionary had a lot to say.
Could mean unmarried. But I know lots of unmarried people that aren't virgins.
And if we're talking about the human mind, then there are tons that aren't virgins.

Pure in body?
But where does that begin?
For some people, premarital hand-holding or kissing is too far.

Have we all already gone too far?

And if we have, what's the point in waiting?

I really really hope it wasn't a mistake.

Please, don't let me have been duped again.  This time there's a lot more at stake.

Post Secret

This week had a lot I really enjoyed.

I am surprisingly calm at the thought of what I did.

Trying to emulate Caleb's facebook statuses, last night while trying to fall asleep I came up with these.

I am the hollow wood, chiming in the wind.
I am the glowing ember, high above the flame.
I am the ash left after the fire you started.
I am the dying leaf falling to the ground.

But I am none of those things. I am the content cat bathing in the sun coming in through the windows.

Speaking of cats, did you know that peta is trying to petition for the renaming of fish. What do they want to name them you ask? Sea Kittens. Because no one would want to kill a cute little sea kitten.

http://www.peta.org/sea_kittens/

So. Not. Kidding.

My hands are cold. My hands are cold.

This is my favorite song right now:
And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

"I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide"

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby

Started with a lie.
Ended with a lie.
Came back with the truth.
Does it end here again?

The choice is yours.


I know I'm crazy. I know I have a lot of thoughts. But that doesn't mean you can make this my fault.
You lied to me.
And the truth came out (haha) soo randomly, I had to laugh.

My feelings remain the same, but I am PISSED that you did this to me.

"This is why I don't open up to girls like you."

Do NOT try to make me feel bad about this. When the truth comes out after a lie you better expect to get a whole hell of a lot of word vomit from me.

But I took a xanax and I am calmer now.

So look. Its not the amount that bothers me Its the fact that you lied. End. Of. Story.


To anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about (everyone since that person doesn't read my blog lolz), I apologize for my rant. I can't sleep now though and needed to get my stream of consciousness out not in texts to that person since it was pissing them off.

Oh and to the other one that MAY read this blog, I don't care if you've slept with however many girls. I just didn't expect to hear that from you. Don't make a big deal out of that.

A new year.

The end of so much and the beginning of...what?

He tried not to seem vulnerable or hurt, but I don't know what he really felt.

I cried all night.

And I thought I was ready.

Vague.

To clarify. The first part was about people coming back. The second part was about memories flooding my eyes.

This part is about my eye and right side of my face twitching.

And how can he be so blind? I've been trying for 6 months. And now I just don't care.

Well I saw that coming

I do remember saying that I saw this coming. Or I at least hoped. But it happened. I'm clairvoyant.
--------------------------------------------

Sometimes it happens when I see an older person.

It happens a lot when I walk down the aisle with baby wipes and shampoo and diapers.

It happens when its quiet.

But it definitely happens when I find this in my room: