My heart hurts.

Don't pull me in anymore.

Don't come back to me when this doesn't work out.

This isn't a friendship.

I don't know what it is.

Tattoo idea: a heart with tree texture and forever in the middle. So it'll be like something carved in a tree. I couldn't find a good picture to illustrate. I might photoshop something up later.

I haven't had much time to work on my list lately. I've been playing WoW a lot.


Also, people are driving me crazy. This worries me because I get irritable when my meds stop working the right way.

But I also get irritable when I don't feel well. Emotionally and physically. And since those two go hand in hand normally...it's a double whammy.

My heart still hurts. I just shouldn't let it bother me.

My cat just knocked over a stack of papers and things by rubbing her face on them. Cute. Now she's going to eat more.

Has it come to this? Where I actually blog about my cat and a broken heart.

I've been out walking.
I don't do too much talking these days.

It's just that I've been losing so long.

My archer woman's got a broken heart
I tried to jump it but it wouldn't start
And if she'd see, I'd give the very best of me
Oh, if she'd see, I'd give the very best of me.

049. Ask to hear stories from Nana and Grandma before I no longer can.

So...I've been thinking a lot. Starting last summer I got very depressed. I was home from school and I wasn't as happy as I thought I'd be. I had been miserable at school and I don't think my roommates knew, but I missed the few people I had met up there. I had a crap job where I was disrespected and earned nothing. I was taking care of my grandpa at least two days a week. Normally more.

We weren't super close, but he was a good grandpa. We thought when he died it would be a relief. Part of it was. Mostly it was just very hard. My boyfriend at the time and his family did their best to help me. I repaid him by withdrawing to myself and eventually breaking up after our anniversary. I got a new job and met new friends, but July-December 2008 is all a blur.

I jumped right into something with a new guy, became very attached and scared him off. I basically had a breakdown from January to February. I kept it very deep inside, but it was there. I moved on to a new guy. Much slower this time.

The first guy came running back apologizing and I, being so ignorant fell into it again. He ran away yet again and came back. By this time I was onto my third conquest. I woke up one morning to find he had a girlfriend listed on facebook. That was a surprise. The first guy still didn't want a girlfriend and the second said he wasn't interested anymore.

During all this I was trying to get out of my funk (which I'm still in). I was trying to go out and party. I was trying to find someone to make me feel anything at all. Somehow I ended up with the second guy again.

I fell ridiculously hard for him. Now he doesn't want a relationship. He says he was foolish and stupid to lead me on and that was "the last thing" he wanted to do.

Looking back, this has all been very fast. Five months and I've moved through 3 new guys, several times. And I've felt used and disrespected. My heart feels like it's not there anymore. My chest feels concave and hollow.

This all seems very emo, but my point is that this whole time, I've been looking for something to fill this hole that started in me more than a year ago. And nothing seems to be working.

I cried myself to sleep. I hope it doesn't happen again.

99. Go fishing.

Too bad afterwards was a horrible night.

I continue to put my whole heart into things, only to get burned.  Nothing but ash remains.

Is it sad I want to reread Twilight before I read any of the other books I have?

Yes, I know it is.

What can I say, I'm in the mood for something romantic :)

Damn you!  Stop panicking and scaring people away!

My heart kind of burns.  And I'm not sure I know why.  I mean, I know why, but I don't know if it should be happening.

Do you ever have a song that you can listen to a thousand times and not grow tired?

I've got 25.  Top 25 most played in my iTunes.  And seriously, I could listen to the same songs for hours.  And they're almost all from several years ago.  Meaning I've liked them for a long time.  I love music.

She's so smart today
She thought she could be right here again, but
She can only see, what she's afraid to see
She's now scared...

She says, I, I can't please myself
(Applause please..)
And it's you who I can't be from, unless

Empty stares, did you find it there..
Always by your side, knowing nothing well it's always right
And we've come oh so far to gain some strength and now we've pulled too hard
Now all you want is gone 
And now I'm all I've got

So he tested time
It's time he thought she'd meet again
It's his selfish mind
That gives him this empty life
He now escapes, he said "I, I can't please myself"
And it's you, your all I want, unless..

Empty stares, thought we'd go down there
Always by your side, knowing nothing, well it's always right
And we've come oh so far to gain some strength and now we've pulled to hard
And now all you want is gone
And now I'm all I've got

Wait and see, that it's not just me
It's everything.. in our lives..
I'll make some space but it's hard, 
But I can't do anything to make this wait

And if all you want is gone
And now all you want is gone
And now I'm all I've got...

Oh and ps.

Now I'm wide as the ocean
Now I bleed roses
And you are just a mark
on the map of my past
But I am a road
I wind along alone
All day until the coast 

strange how it happens...

still waiting to be found...

I have a heart booboo.  How did I let this happen again?

I just have to laugh at it.  Like seriously, laugh at it.  Make it a joke.  I wrote something in my actual journal a while ago and I know its not original, but this is how it feels:

"Strange how it happens:

The heart can literally hurt

And the chest can feel hollow.

All because of a simple motion."

However corny it may be, when Bella was talking about trying to hold her ribcage together because it feels like it was falling apart...thats what mine feels like during a panic attack.  And today is gonna be a constant one.

I want a pocket knife.  If any of mine are repeats, I'm replacing it with "I want a pocket knife."  Lolz.

Jealous of pocket knifes and jealous of Death Cab, Matt Costa, and Ra Ra Riot.

But I'm going to see Jenny Lewis, possibly Jack's Mannequin and possibly Bon Iver...um that would be wonderful.

What do I do when he says he's confused?  And when I'm in such a weird mood that I get paranoid and over think everything he says.  I really like him.  And I want this to work.

Finally, the list.

Here is the website where you can follow my progress.  http://courage-dearheart.blogspot.com/ I'll try to post it here as well, but I wanted it to have its own steady link.

001.  Read the Bible everyday.

002.  Go to Seattle (okay I already have this one planned, but it’s a goal!).

003.  Get my “courage, dear heart” tattoo.

004.  Take a self-portrait everyday for a year and post it to flickr.

005.  Fly a kite.

006.  Write a song.

007.  Graduate with my Bachelor’s.  On time.

008.  Watch all the movies on my list of must-see movies.

009.  Spend a night under the stars.

010.  Try real sushi.

011.  Re-read all the Harry Potter books.

012.  Bring a friend to church.

013.  Drive nowhere with a friend and see where we end up.  Bring GPS so we can get home.

014.  Buy as much Polaroid film as I can find, since they aren’t making it anymore.

015.  Carve something into a tree.

016.  Replace my Disney VHS collection with DVDs.

017.  Respect myself.

018.  Respect myself by not letting others disrespect me.

019.  Love others.

020.  With respect, learn to love myself.

021.  Learn how to save.

022.  Learn how to invest.

023.  Become published.

024.  Visit every state.

025.  Learn something new every day.

026.  Fly to New York City for a day or a weekend and see everything.

027.  Shoot a gun.

028.  Play real golf.

029.  Go to Key West.

030.  Finish all the books I’ve started, but never finished (except for A Separate Peace).

031.  Have a meaningful conversation on a swingset.

032.  Get a library card.

033.  Adopt a pet when I move out.

034.  Learn to cook.

035.  Perfect recipes I already know.

036.  Finish my middle school/high school scrapbook.

037.  Grow a garden.

038.  Grow my hair out and keep it that length for a while.

039.  Go paintballing.

040.  Take a sewing class, so I don’t have to keep asking for my mom’s help.

041.  Take a quilting class.

042.  Finally finish the blanket I started crocheting 10 years ago.

043.  Become a wine and beer connoisseur.  Not an alcoholic.

044.  Waste film on lomography because it’s fun.

045.  Buy an EF 50mm f/1.8 Canon lens.

046.  Buy a Canon wireless remote.

047.  Get out on my own.

048.  Don’t  waste time watching reruns of shows I’ve seen.

049.  Ask to hear stories from Nana and Grandma before I no longer can.

050.  Visit my family in West Virginia again.

051.  Visit my family in Pennsylvania again (preferably not for a funeral).

052.  Complete physical therapy and eventually join a gym.

053.  Clean out my closet and try not to hold on to so many things.

054.  Make 10 new friends (0/10).

055.  Make a quilt.  Even if it looks like poo.

056.  Keep growing my art collection.

057.  Do something creative with all my pressed flowers.

058.  Sell the button boxes and other crafts I make on etsy.

059.  Don’t allow myself to become addicted to scratch-offs.

060.  Wake up early enough to see the sunrise at the beach.

061.  See the sun rise on the east coast and set in the west on the same day.

062.  Get better at tennis.

063.  Ask my dad to play ping pong.

064.  Gee, break a 100 in bowling.

065.  Complete a paper before the night before it’s due.

066.  Fly a kite.

067.  Keep my room clean for a whole week.

068.  Take my vitamins everyday.

069.  After finishing all the books I’ve started, read at least one new book a month.

070.  To facilitate this, join a book club.

071.  Sell a photo.

072.  Only buy things when I need them.

073.  Go to the chiropractor more often.

074.  Go to the doctor less.

075.  Get off as many medications as I can.

076.  Get off caffeine.

077.  Eat healthier.

078.  Journal once a day, for a week.

079.  Blog once a day, for a month.

080.  Go without the internet for a whole day (ahhh!).

081.  Go without TV for a whole day (double ahhhh!).

082.  Spend a week at the beach and don’t stay inside the whole time.

083.  Have a fling.  Don’t get attached (Idk how much I like this one, but we’ll see).

084.  Practice piano regularly for 3 weeks in a row.

085.  Practice guitar.

086.  And learn a new song.

087.  And play it in front of people.

088.  Go to a karaoke bar with friends.

089.  And participate in at least 3 songs.

090.  Help my mom and dad with the computer without storming off or going crazy.

091.  Start my next list (especially since this one took so long.

092.  Visit a friend in another state.

093.  Visit Jeff and Rachel (former youth minister and wife).

094.  Take more pictures.  takemorepicturestakemorepicturestakemorepictures.

095.  Change a diaper.

096.  Get laser hair removal.

097.  Take a minute, to take a breath and enjoy something small.

098.  Build something.

099.  Go fishing.

100.  Give something important away.

101.  I don’t know that I should limit myself to falling in love in 1001 days, because God will give me that when it’s time.  So I’ll add it, but it’ll stay on the list for as long as it needs to.