I think I cried in my sleep.

Way to destroy three friendships in one night.

What happened to you?

I know that it's true.

I saw it and I know.




But really, what could we have done?
Going on in that manner would have led to even more disaster.
At least we can...maybe we can't.
You never want to be friends again.
So I'll make new friends.
And you'll make new friends.
And I'll be here hoping you aren't drinking yourself to death.
And we'll go off in our separate ways.

You go this way.

I'll go that way.

And there's so many songs that remind me.
And I'll never get away.

So...


You can go to New York City.
Get a place on the east side.
But don't leave my mind.

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be
The seasons have changed and so have we
There was little we could say and even less that we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We were lovers, now we can't be friends.

Could I have predicted it anymore than I did? Could I have held you off any longer? I didn't want this to turn into another best friend situation. I told you that. I've lost too many friends. But you forced it. You knew it was over the minute it happened. Then why bother calling it a break? It's a good thing I didn't come back isn't it? I really am beginning to wonder why I trust so easily.


Cried and cried. Talked to Amy in the white coat. Cried on the phone with her (cause she needs to listen to my problems really). And now let the poets cry themselves to sleep.

017. Respect myself.

018. Respect myself by not letting others disrespect me.

019. Love others.

058. Sell the button boxes and other crafts I make on etsy.

058. Sell the button boxes and other crafts I make on etsy.

064. Gee, break a 100 in bowling. (apparently this is much easier when you're on the phone with a friend listening to a Sufjan Stevens concert)

073. Go to the chiropractor more often.

085. Practice guitar.

086. And learn a new song.

087. And play it in front of people.

088. Go to a karaoke bar with friends.

089. And participate in at least 3 songs.

096. Get laser hair removal.

Sometimes I curl up in a ball and sob.

Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes the reason seems random and distant, but strong. Sometimes I can't, so I curl up anyway and heave silently.

I don't know why this happens.

I am not sure how to further explain to anyone that I am struggling with myself right now. That I am unhappy. That I fear and crave change. That I crave healing. And how this affects my relationships. How can it not? You can't expect me to be there for you when I can't hold myself together. Of course I'm going to explode. Or implode. And I don't know which is better right now.

Bed time for me is normally turning on the tv and trying to fall asleep. It's broken right now. Which is ok because normally I just use it for light anyway. Mute it, put a song on repeat or a good sleepy playlist. Sometimes I have philosophical thoughts, ideas for poems or films, sometimes I have bad memories or good ones. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just can't turn of my brain, but about nothing in particular. Like when your computer freezes and you can hear it running, trying to fix itself. But it's just running in place. 

Sometimes I feel very distant. And sometimes I feel very close. And sometimes I cycle in and out of those so quickly.
Much like I cycle through good and bad days pain wise, I've also been finding that I cycle emotionally. Sometimes for days. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes for just a few seconds.

Tonight I was driving along an empty road in total darkness and surrounded by trees. What you must know about me is that I don't like driving at night. I can't see at night. But there were no headlights shining in my eyes. I could see what was ahead of me even of it was just a few feet. And I realized how tranquil that was. And how I wish I could drive roads like that more often, with less cars and enjoy it. The moments I keep finding myself in where I am alone and I have time to think my thoughts or think nothing at all are the moments I am coming to enjoy the most.

For years now I have been numb. I do not deal with things. I throw them aside to be thought about later or buried even deeper. But it all comes back out. In one way or another it comes back out. It has been showing itself lately. I think that is why I'm cycling through emotions like a middle school girl.

So I've learned a few things about myself lately:

I really only like drinking I'm certain situations.

It's starting to upset my stomach more.

I still don't have hang overs.

I don't like being out very late.

I don't like driving at night.

I'm turning into an old lady.

I swear I can be better
I could be more to you
But there are things that line my path
That I just had to do

And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you


Some day


Maybe I should just turn around
Walk away
For no matter how much I really do want to stay
You know I can when it's too late

Not having a good night. Nothing gets easier in life. Only harder. Bring on the tissues. I finished two boxes, I need another.

Brave face. Brave face. Brave face.

This song is by Rilo Kiley. It's called "A Man/Me/Then Jim." Basically, I suggest Rilo Kiley or Jenny Lewis to anyone out there.

Click here or right-click>save as

"I'm sorry I'm hard to live with
Living is the problem for me."

Gross.

I haven't showered since Wednesday. I haven't washed my hair since Thursday. I haven't washed my own hair since Tuesday. Ewww.

I don't know what's real and what's fake anymore.
Some of these feelings are so strong.
I keep getting frustrated. I can't hold off anymore. You make me angry. Everything makes me angry.

Sometimes, I think about going back. Then I realize what has changed. I have changed. And there's no going back. Nothing will ever be the same.

And I miss you.

Bongos and trumpets.

When things are going okay, all I can do is self-destruct.

Now that I've officially missed my sleep window, I just need to say that I shouldn't have to feel this way. I talk to you and you think you know what I'm going through, but you have no idea. And I just keep getting worse.

Do you listen to me at all?

I'm sorry. Did I offend you in some way? Does asking, "how are you doing today" warrant scowls and one word answers? Is there a reason you walk away when I walk up? Do I smell? Your job is to go to the first register you see that needs help. That doesn't mean the first one you see that has someone you know or like on it. It doesn't work that way. So confused.

Everything is so beautiful tonight. There's this real, low-hanging moon in the sky, almost a half, but still a crescent. It's red in the sun's light and you can literally see where the earth is blocking the light. Then, we came across a young male and female deer couple. And they were so frail looking. Pretty, little things.

Where do chemical imbalances come from? Why are we stressed or sad or crazy for no reason at all? Can it really be true that we've repressed things from childhood for so long, that they've manifested themselves in these ways? And if that's the case, how bad must those things be?

Do you ever notice that when you try to do things that will make you look better, feel better, be better, the bad things come out too? Just one more day of this, just one last time of this and I'll be better. And somehow it makes it all worse.

Do YOU ever feel unhappy, but not sad? Do you feel anything at all? What is worse?

I'm trying to make that decision right now. Feeling is good. Feeling bad, mad, sad is not good. Where is the balance? Oh right, keyword was "imbalance."

There's no one to talk to and I just need to do a little directed, but unnamed ranting.

Are you that selfish? Grandma asks you not to mention his name, and yeah, okay, that's not really fair, but have you even tried to put yourself in this side of the family's position?

You know how much money was required to be given to you, but do you know how much extra every month was sent your way? Did your mom ever tell you about that? Did she tell you how we almost claimed bankruptcy? That that's why we moved away? How she has stores of money, enough to buy you a new car for your birthday, enough for her to lease a new car every year and redo a kitchen and a bathroom and how she still asked for more. And you thought I was the spoiled one. You know why grandma bought me more than you? It wasn't because I was the youngest. It was because we were struggling. It was because I actually called her. You know why grandma doesn't care about your feelings anymore? It's because you don't care about hers. You can't call and make plans with her and then just "forget" about that date and not call her or answer her calls.

Have you even thought about what it might feel like to have your child basically tell you that their stepdad (that they ranted about for years because he was such an asshole) is a better dad than you? "Well he's not my father, but he is one of my dads." I realize he's done a lot for you lately (apparently a lot to you is anything having to do with money), but does that make you completely forget about all the shit he put you through over the years? Apparently. I hope one day your kid asks for a huge wedding and you can't afford it and an aunt or uncle steps in and pays for it all. I hope you get to know the feeling of having your kid love someone more for money.

It's no wonder grandma doesn't want to hear his name. Not only has he stolen HER son's position in your heart, but he's a total asshole to her. I don't care if you didn't have the whole story and think he said nothing wrong. He did. Grandma does everything she can to help them. And getting patronized shouldn't be her payment. Having things she buys thrown away shouldn't be part of it either. BS what she buys is inappropriate. Your mom and grandma buy her South Pole and Applebottom jeans and she walks around looking like a fool. A SpongeBob radio or a Hannah Montana t-shirt are not inappropriate just because your mom deems them that. " OMG SpongeBob is a homosexual! She can't have that." ::trash::

Your family is full of hypocritical posers. They're your family and you'll always love them, just like I'll continue to love you through all of this, but I hope one day you realize.

It really sucks when people move away. It really hurts growing up, having one person to really look up to, a really Godly woman, having them tell you they'll always be there to listen or give advice and then having them move away and have basically no contact. Time and distance are hard to reach through.

Years go by and these things still get to me sometimes. I know they'd be there if I called, but now we've grown so far apart it doesn't really matter anymore does it?

A little contact would be nice. If I comment on your facebook. If I say I miss you guys. A comment back would be nice sometimes. Especially, for the ones who "feel like family."

Just a note: if you're ever depressed, don't take a trip down memory lane. Pictures are a bad idea.

I could use a break. Retreating to the world of Harry Potter for a little vacation.

Guys I'm really not doing well. I've been coming down off cymbalta from 120-90-60-30 mg and now to nothing, but adding a new med. The problem is that cymbalta withdrawals are awful. There are lawsuits being filed against them. I'm reading about people taking the capsules and splitting up the beads so that the drop is not so intense. I've already been at 0 for two days now though and I'm hesitant to start adding it back in again. But the withdrawals. I can't drive I can't eat I can't work. Its awful. I cant even explain what it's like. Having been off for two days, I don't want to need it again, but I don't know if I can last like this for weeks. I don't know if I can last for days.

Brain buzz is the worst. Its like mini seizures. My eyes twitch and shake and I get dizzy and nauseous trying to catch my breath. Hot flashes and then cold flashes.

Oh and my skin is falling off...

Just because I push through the pain, doesn't mean it's not there.

I haven't written in a while. I notice that I tended to write on my bad days, so that's kind of a good thing. But I think that a lot of times I don't realize I'm having a bad day or several until I look back on it. And I wonder if it gets to be bad because I don't write and don't get things out before they build up. The hard part for me is figuring out what the problem is when I'm doing okay. Because until doing poorly, I don't always realize. To be honest, I sometimes don't figure it out till years later.

I have masking problems. They cover up what the real issue is. I have to work like an archaeologist, slowly, carefully brushing away the dirt that's built up over the years to uncover the big find.

It may have been when you said I was the reacher that did it. Jsyk.

Dear Playtex,
Thank you for single handedly making all the members of the itty-bitty-titty committee feel even worse with your most recent commercial. "Double A? Like the battery? These are a D." Yeah I see your big boobs. I also see your side boob, back flab and gut. Put on a shirt.

I'm tired of seeing underage drinking portrayed not only in drama, soaps and sitcoms as an okay thing, but when it's shown on reality tv and there's no consequences. I mean this Pretty Wild show on E! These girls are younger than me, admit to having fake IDs. Come home in the morning hungover. And they wonder why one is about to go to jail.

I don't really condone under age drinking. I did it a whole of 3 or 4 times and to be honest, it's just stressful. I mean doing it in a safe environment is one thing. But even that can have consequenses. I just don't understand how shows like this can stay on tv.

003. Get my “courage, dear heart” tattoo.

033. Adopt a pet when I move out. (kinda)

I have a song on repeat to help me sleep. I remember crying to this song for hours.

I don't cry much anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm not completely numb. I cry. Just not at the right times I guess.

Grandpa still pops up in my dreams. But lately it's been customers. And register malfunctions. And customers.

Dear you,

are we ever going to speak again? I know it feels like a betrayal. I never lied to you. I'm sorry though.

New direction?

I feel like I went into this blog wanting to write about my adventures in college. Fun stories and homework and that sort of thing. It turned into more of a diary for public complaining. It's not that that is such a bad thing. It's just not what I intended this blog to be. When people are directed to this page I don't want them to see a whiny girl. I want them to see an educated girl (woman?) who is trying her hardest to learn more about everything. I want to share my insights on everything I'm learning in an educated way. In other words, I don't want to sound stupid. I don't want to sound immature. I also don't want to come off as thinking I'm smarter or better than anyone. I just want to write my thoughts down in the hopes that someone might read and agree.

So I'm taking this blog in a new direction. Or I'm going to create a new page to blog at. Because this isn't what I want to be remembered as.

Buy as much Polaroid film as I can find, since they aren’t making it anymore.

038. Grow my hair out and keep it that length for a while.

065. Complete a paper before the night before it’s due.

068. Take my vitamins everyday.

I'm going to compile a list of bumper stickers both conservative and liberal that I despise. Starting with this one. Wait...just found one that was worse. "caution: I drive like a Cullen"

Just... Oh my gosh. Seriously.

Ok back to political.

"War is not pro-life."

Yeah well, neiher is the fucking death penalty, but you see a lot of pro-lifers supporting that too. Maybe we should just give in and change our name to "anti-choice.". I don't know. I get the my body argument. But when the fetus is old enough to survive without you...that's not your body anymore. And no one can use the argument that the baby still relies on something or someone to survive because then there's a whole hell of a lot of peoeple we need to be killing. Including everyone who relies on the government to get by?

Maybe we should rethink the wording of these things.

EDIT: and then we're allowed to do what we want with our bodies. Except there are rules about harming ourselves. Doctors are required to break confidentiality when we are harming ourselves or others. Sooo the baby isn't a parasite. It's not harming you.

Just wanna say: Babies are awesome. And that's why I'm against it. I hate that people want to abort children with down syndrome and things now. I mean if you know the kid is gonna be brain dead and have no arms and legs...I get that. But most of the time there's no way to tell. My sister wasn't supposed to survive past two. She's a thriving 32 year old. Has a job. Has friends and a "fiancé" and is the best part of our famiy. Wouldn't be me without her.

Well, well, well. I was thinking in the shower tonight. And I've kind of forgotten all that I wanted to write about. That would happen.

It had a lot to do with the fact that I see some acquaintances from high school and they've still got friends from high school. Not a lot, but a few, like me. But the thing is, they still hang out. Not just at Christmas. And I realize that it's harder when people go away to college. I did that for a year, remember. But some people don't keep in touch at all. Life gets crazy. School is busy. And we get together once a year and things feel normal.

But who are you? What do I know about you anymore? Do you know anything about me?

I had one friend who came back home for a day. Everyone got to see him. Except for me. How's that for friendship? Bad enough that we don't even talk anymore, but you don't even tell me you're coming home?

And that's just made me realize that I need to hang on tighter to the friends I have. See the ones here as much as possible. Because I don't want to lose them. And the truth is, I need a sturdy foundation. Some people to lean on. Because I fall a lot. And no one ever knows. And that might be why I keep falling.

And then (I don't know how it works) I have a few friends who I could not talk to for a month or two. And when we get together or send messages, things are normal. And it's not just, "Hey how was your semester? Good to see you." Inside jokes, inside jokes, game/movie and done. It's real conversation. It's, "how have you really been? How's this and how's that? How have you been feeling?"

And it's those people too that I need to not neglect, and rely on more. I like to listen, but I know it's hard for others sometimes. To sit and listen to someone complain for hours on something you've probably already heard about. To listen to medical problems that your grandma is having, but no young person should be dealing with. But I've got a few who are willing <3

And if anyone ever needs to rant or spew to me...I've always got my ears open.

Goodbye blogger.

I don't mean to be mean.

For real.

I'm just tired and confused.

You aren't getting the slow thing. No matter what you think.

I'm sorry it hurts your feelings. But I'm trying to do what I feel is best. And diving right in is not that.

Leads to heart ache and grief.

And i've already got that.

I feel like I have a novel to write.

I feel like there's been too much death recently.

I feel too much.

Tonight I wanted to write iny journal. When I got home I washed my face, took my medicine (can call it that), and turned off the light. So no journal.
I've been thinking a lot about my medication. Is it really helping me? Am I better? How will I know? How do I know the difference between depression and simple sadness anymore? Once that one has been blurred, is there ever any going back?

Ah, going back. The point of my sadness. The point of my rant. Is it ever right to want to go back and change certain things. If you were given the chance, how would it affect the future. Are we destined to live certain lives? Do certain things? Be with certain people? If I went back to childhood could I stop this sickness from happening? Write the great American novel?

If I question decisions I've made, does it mean they were the wrong ones? Does it matter?

I know God has a plan for me. I know that I need to male certain decisions to get there though. He knows what's gonna happen. I just hope his plan is what he sees.

I'm sorry I'm hard to live with it's living that's the problem for me.

I need to write. Computer is so close but I'm gonna do it mobily from bed.

Just some rAndom thoughts.

I've been having a lot of Publix dreams lately. Not so scary like the old ones. Just lots of us living together and traveling together.

Other dreams include seattle and forks. I need to go back. I'd like to mAke it am anual trip. Plan for bringing back souvenirs and fruit amd pack like one outfit for the whole time. I hope it happens again. If it's I'm a dream it's obviously something deep Down ImportNt to me. Excuse the grammar. Sleeping pill is taking effect. I want to be emmersed in that culture. Buying fresh organic fruit everyday. Growing fresh fruit. Living in the rainy weather. Seeing the mountain once a year. But it's so far awAy. I'd like to move there for a year. And kist be off on my own. But o have no savings. Nothing. I've got to het awY. Get out of here. Love my family. But I've got to move on at some point.
Carly. Let's start plan ing our farm. Even 6 months away. Let's go woofing.

I need to stop looking back. Relating this to lost and other sco fi shows, ww all have free will. We make one decision amd are shot off I. One direction. If I chose the other option I'd be faced with another mew decision. Would they all lead to the same outcome? I lile to think so. Makesme worry less. But there's always what ifs. I just have to trust that while god gavee free will, he jas a plan fore and that I'll find my way to it eventually. I have a feelinhyhis is incomprehensible. So I'll stop here.

We're not getting any younger, and I
Won't look back 'cause there's no use
It's time to move forward.

I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Is this happiness?



I don't think so.


I don't even know if its contentment anymore.

Kate! I don't have msn. Is it a messenger like aim? Karleetron@gmail.com is my email :)

I just can't make things right.

"Sometimes, when I catch myself staring at you, I feel like I'm kind of turning into you; because you're so beautiful I forget to breath..."

And it’s not “clever lonely” (like Morrissey) or “interesting lonely” (like Radiohead); it’s “lonely, lonely”, like the way it feels when you’re being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder.

- Chuck Klosterman

I repeat.

Sometimes I forget to breathe.

And when I realize, it's like I can't catch it.

My chest is so tight. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe.

I was supposed to go to bible study tonight, but my chest was so so tight I decided to stay home. It got worse. My cousin/youth minister thinks I'm faking I think.

And while trying to fix my moms computer, I didn't save all her pictures and music. Ugh. I feel so bad. How am I supposed to sleep tonight?

Sometimes I just want to tell people the truth. That the pain you feel on your worst day is the pain I feel every day. Think about how my bad days feel.

But no one believes me really.

So why bother.

What a horrible week this has felt like. It's had it's pleasant moments.

Lunch with a good friend.

Flowers on my doorstep.

The one night of rush I got to attend.

It's also had crap.

Work hours seem to drag on.
My lower back has a pinched nerve.
Last night my chest tightened up. It hasn't loosened up since.

I'm having a migraine/panic attack and I'm at the 24 hour point. Please stop now.

Being anxious about nothing makes no sense. It also makes me depressed. I start thinking about all the reasons for me to be depressed or anxious and it starts a cycle.

Arguing doesn't help. Can we stop that soon plzkthx.

Is it bad if I realize I haven't written in too long and just force an entry? I don't want to force it, but I feel like I need a prompt or something.

Let's see.

I'm so tense.

I have a pinched nerve and tight muscles. I stand all day at work or walk/limp from class to class. By the time I get home exercise (or even stretching) is not possible. I sit in a slouched position in my chair, making my back worse and stessing about homework.

I don't fall asleep at night. Probably should put down the phone right? Yeah, probably. I'll get right on that.

I sleep way more than a normal person should. Wake up sleepy and lethargic. I could stay curled up all day long. I wish I could.

I want to feel better.

http://www.mtinhaiti.com/news/

Want an insider's look at what is going on in Haiti? This is my aunt and uncle's blog. They live in Haiti about 9 months out of the year. Haiti doesn't allow them to be there for more than 3 months at a time. They have been traveling to Haiti for as long as I can remember, doing missions work. They decided to do it full time two years ago. Their love for Haiti is...it makes my heart swell. I wish I had a heart like them. When I was little I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to marry a preacher and have three kids. Two girls and a boy. Their story is amazing. I wish I still had a heart like that.

Buffy is basically the best show around still and its where I learned all my life lessons from.

Spike : You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Oh you are not
Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
And we should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

I wanna know it all. Part of that surprises me and part of it doesn't. At least she's a nice girl. You're right. But I can't get it out of my head that she's just a girl. Of course, what am I? I can't say anything. I have no right to say anything. At all

at all

at

Everyone tell me their tumblrs (Kate!! If you want to :)). I'd like to see them all.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know.


Detach

re:attach

detach

I can't find my Xanax bottle and I can't remember the last place I had it. 

It's cold here and it shouldn't be so the heats on which dries out my nasal passages making it harder and painful to breathe the cold air. Vicious cycle...so I'm laying in bed snorting ice cold saline spray to moisten. Mm

My friend's mom just passed away. It seems that cancer can either be slow and painful or it can come on quick and take someone before you realize they're leaving. I'm at a loss for words as to what I can say. I can compare and empathize, but I think all that helps is someone who listens and holds and cries with you. And majorly listens. I hope Sarah has that. If she doesn't, Sarah, I'm here. Death is never easy. And it's never the same. No one but you and your family will have the same experience. Hold onto that. Don't worry about being strong for them. You all need to be weak together. It's how you'll all get stronger. Otherwise, it'll bite you in the butt.

So this is the new year...

and I don't feel any different.

I'm almost 21 years old and I've lived in 3 different decades already. I'm going into my fourth. I spent the majority of my schooling in the...10's? The tens...how do you even speak about the first decade of the 2000's. How did they speak about the first ten years of the 1900's? I don't have anyone to ask. I guess we'll figure it out soon enough.

I've decided that I don't want a brand new start this year. I'm tired of starting over and trying to fix everything all at once. Fresh starts aren't always all they're cracked up to be. So I'm just gonna keep going. Keep living. Survive. And we'll see if this year is any better than the last one.


P to the s. I drank waaaaay more than I planned last night. People shouldn't offer me shots. People really shouldn't offer me shots when I've had basically a whole bottle of sparkling wine by myself. Buuuut the party I went to was totally indie and awesome haha. It was out in the woods and three bands played and basically, it was the best new years eve I've ever had.

And I got my first kiss of the new year. My first kiss at midnight of a new year. So that was nice.

Too bad my boyfriend is upset about something and doesn't want to talk about it because, "It's not that important and [he'll] get over it." WTF is that?! If it's not bothering you and you don't want to talk about it, don't tell me about it! Don't mention it at all.



I haven't eaten at all today. I'm nauseous.