I see myself stumbling down a downtown street, in red heels, arm in arm with friends and a huge laugh exploding on my face. I imagine that I could be this girl were it not for so many factors. I see these girls. They have jobs. Working in the mornings so they can go out as night and wake up the next morning, a little hungover, to do it again.

I can never be this girl. Reason 1: I can’t wear heels. I just can’t really walk in them. And they hurt my back. I can’t stay out late and wake up early. That cycle wears on me. I’ve tried it. I wish I could keep my days jam packed. It’s so nice to not be bored. To not sit on the couch with my parents, watching TV every night. But I’ve tried to be the party girl. Working, going out, and waking up to work again... I can barely make it through the day. I already have Chronic Fatigue, adding to that a hangover. It doesn’t work.

Alcohol and my meds. They don’t mix. I’ve tried that too. I’ve decided I need to stop drinking. I’ve decided I need to get off my meds. Yet, I don’t do either of those things.

I can’t be one of those well dressed girls, just drunk enough to feel a laugh, stammering to the cute boys around me, wandering in and out of clubs and pubs.

So I sit here on my couch in sweat pants. I write depressing blogs that few read. And I imagine all the things I could be doing with my life. I say all the things I want to do and I make no steps towards the goal.

What have I become?
What have I become?
What was I to begin with?

She takes photographs of people she knows
She brings out the best and worst in them
And God is buried deep in the folds
Of her fractured self and the lies that they've told
She used to laugh at everything old
It was a joke that never aged a bit
But when they robbed her of her infinite smile
She said, "maybe I'll just play dead for a while"


I want to know your fear
from your feet
to the back of your ear

you're what keeps me believing
the world's not long dead
strength in my bones
put the words in my head
when they pour out to paper
it's all for you
cuz that's what you do

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy and they were best friends.

Even though they had issues to work through, they knew they had something special so they held on tight.

That felt weird for some reason. For the most part it was a great night. There were moments when I felt I was on the outside. I've decided I don't like that.

I've been overly sensetive lately. I haven't been crying at everything, but I've felt like crying at nothing.

I'm also going through a pretty rough fibro flare. It's been up and down the last few months and I can feel the down coming back.

I just want to feel good for once. Like even when I do feel good, I can't remember it when I'm feeling bad. I know I've had good days recently, but I honestly can't remember a time when I've felt really good. When I haven't had pain of some sort. When I haven't been out of breath from walking a few steps. When it's been easy to fall asleep or wake up.



I catch myself holding my breath a lot. I'll be so focused on something or so deep in thought that I just forget to breathe. I thought that was supposed to be one of those involuntary things that you didn't have to think about. So why should I have to remind myself to breathe? Does it mean that I'm forgetting to breathe, but purposely holding my breath?

You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat.

I know you wish you could hate me. I'm sorry you can't.

But I'm glad.