Tonight turned into a crying night.

But it's okay.

Because now I know.

And with knowing, I can move past it.


Ps. I know you never found this blog because you didn't care enough, but here's your secret message. You're not getting your mixtape. You're not getting me. You're not getting anymore of my time. Congrats. The friendship. That's gonna take time to heal. And work on your part. But I wish you luck.

Haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway.

That could change.



I know what you're doing and I hope that's not what you're doing.


My brain is a mess. My heart is a mess.

Ups and downs.


I want to write something again. Not these meaningless things I jot in my phone at 3am, or when something strikes me while driving.

I just found a suicide poem I wrote in the early hours of the morning.
It's striking. And heart breaking. And I don't remember writing it.



Most days I feel beautiful and happy.

Some days I feel like staying in bed.
Forcing tears.
Any reaction.

Today was a good day.

Explain to me why now that my heart has finally slowed, it feels so strange. Swollen, achey, jumpy, and heavy.

I've been having lots of thoughts lately. I've been writing them down in different places. I need to put them all in one place. I don't know if this is the place. I don't know if there is a place.

I'm unhappy, but I'm working on it.

Haven't been sleeping well. And I wasn't thinking. But maybe drinking half a bottle of moet and then taking a klonipin wasn't the best idea.

Night.

dayfromhelldayfromhelldayfromhell

Okay, not really. But it has been disappointing. I'm tired of plans falling through. I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired of faking happiness.

Also, I'm tired of homework, so if that could go away too...

It'd be nice if I could go a day without embarrassing myself.

Without injuring myself.

Thinking positively, without worry.

It'd be nice if you weren't so quick to say good night.

Today I tried to do my hair like this:




Or tried to be similar. If I had a tangerine I would take a picture. But I don't, so I just look like Princess Leah.