Saturday, October 31, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009


So I really want a firefly tattoo. But it's really hard to find one that's decent. I'll probably get a Kurt Halsey tattoo. And I loooove Cherry Blossom tattoos.



Thursday, October 29, 2009

There are few people that I would die without. I mean I'd be sad if any of my friends died. Any family. But there are some people that I would literally cease to function without. I think some of it has to do with regret. Things left unsaid. The hope of things to come.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

095. Change a diaper.

I woke, woke, woke on a pile of grass (?)
I'm slow, slow, slow from the week I've had
I need your smile, your tears, your every-thing

So over and over I glanced by your shoulder
Hoping to see what it's like

You know you were right
You know you were right

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I'm laying in a bunk bed, in one of the newer cabins at my childhood camp. I never thought I'd be back here again. So much has changed. So much is the same. Kinda like me. I feel like I'm fighting the change God wants for me in my life. In a lot of ways I'm happy and content and I'm terrified if I make changes, people will leave me again. And that I'll be sad again. But then I remember that I still am kinda sad. So I'm not too sure where to go from here. And if I pray about it I know the answer I'll get. So I'm putting it off.

Ps. If you're still reading, I'm kinda lost without you :(

Thursday, October 22, 2009

So I found out yesterday that I kinda sorta got cheated on. Or at least lied to. In the last "dating" thing. And I'm surprised that I'm not really hurt by it. Just thankful I didn't show up and find you fucking someone else from work.

Glad it's over and that I've found someone much better :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

She was a wreck, but he loved her. She was a wreck, but so was she.

You just wanna fix yourself. Just to break again.
Are you ever driving and the music you're playing just fits perfectly? Like if you were in a movie and you looked put the window as the wind blew through your hair and music started playing, this is what you'd hear.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The timing isn't right.

I think God places certain people in our lives for a reason. I think that one person may be ready while the other is not. Can you blame the other person? You can, but it doesn't make it right. You can only pray that one day they will see or learn or fix whatever God wants them to fix before they can unite with the right person.

Can it work another way? Can both people see the connection, but one realizes its not the right time while the other does not?

I hope a girl does come along that thinks you're worth it. I want you to be happy. If she doesn't come along, I'll probably still be sitting here making the wrong decisions.

Le sigh.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Why can't I make everyone happy?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pleaser. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to be happy. Even most people I don't like. I still want then to like me.

I've made my best friend unhappy by making someone else and myself happy. How do I fix that? I can't. You know I love you. And you know I don't want to hurt you. But I don't see it working right now.

And I'm happy. I'm really happy. I'm smiling. I'm taking care of myself.

It's not "facebook official," but it's there =)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I have to write an article by tomorrow and I work till 10. I think I'm gonna write a satire about how guys can win against the Edward Cullens in girls' minds.

And then I'm gonna fail.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Everybody needs something to live for.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I do not want to work today. I never want to work anymore.

I want to crawl back in bed. Not even sleep. Just lay.

Whip It is my current favorite movie.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

A quote from the book I quoted.

It's true, you know.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I'm in a bad place right now.

Last night the thought crossed my mind to swallow a bottle of pills. I haven't had a thought like that in a long time. It was just there. How do I deal with this?

Friday, October 9, 2009

"She gets up and searches aroun her backpack for a moment, and then reaches over and grabs The Bell Jar, and reads to me. 'But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so whte and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.' She sits back down next to me, close, facing me, the fabric of our jeans touching without our knees actually touchig. Margo says, 'I know what she's talking about. The something deeper and more secre. It's like cracks inside of you. Like there are these fault lines where things don't meet up right.'"

Tonight I had my first nosebleed.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I think I'm excited about this.

I'm sorry.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Panic attack

Lying in bed.
Tight chest.
Bed shaking like a cheap, coin operated motel matress.
Gritting my teeth hard.

Brain zaps.

But I can't figure out what it is exactly.

Other than the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a few days.

Disagreements happen when friends wanna be more than friends. Been down that road before. Didn't work. I just don't wanna mess things up. Idk what I want. My head is full of feelings that don't make sense.