Thursday, June 16, 2011

Lately, my sister has been on my mind. I hate the way she treats our dad's side of the family. The birth father.

All throughout growing up, all throughout her high school years she hated her step father. She envied me for living with our dad. She wanted the life we had. Her mom sheltered her from the fact that my family struggled so much. All of our income was going to their family and we had barely enough to pay the bills. I don't think the money issue bothered Kristen until she got a little older.

High school comes around. Where's my car, dad? Aren't you supposed to buy me a car?

College. Are you going to pay for me to live in this house where we all do drugs? Are you going to pay for me to come home when I drop out of college?

And finally, the nail in the coffin. Her wedding. It is the bride's family's duty to pay for a wedding. We just couldn't. We were still recovering from the child support payments ending just a few years before. We had my grandparents from both sides helping us survive. So okay, dad. How about you just pay for the open bar?

We put in every dollar we could, but it wasn't enough.

She started out telling me she felt an obligation to her mom and stepdad for the money they shelled out for the wedding. THAT'S why they see her and my nephew more. Then she tells me that our dad was NEVER there. Her stepfather raised her. He's really her father. And I just don't understand because my parents aren't divorced.

Well you know what. No, they aren't. And thank God for that. But you know what I do understand? I understand the lies and the hate that she's been fed over the years. The bitterness and anger slowly building up. Because he wasn't there.

The problem is that he was. We lived in the same fucking neighborhood for 12 years. Her mother threw his things on the lawn one day and changed the locks because she'd been cheating on him with multiple men every time she went out of town. And my dad STILL went over every day to watch the kids, cook dinner, and do their laundry. She took away everything he had. And he still tried to be there. But after all of that, she wouldn't let him in. He wasn't allowed at certain functions. The awkwardness with her new husband. With her parents. He was never good enough for her. And now it appears he is not good enough for my sister either.

This all pains me greatly. And it's something that I try not to become bitter about, but sometimes I just can't hold it in any longer. She has stolen from me, she has lied to me, and she has not been a true sister or friend to me.

And the newest thing coming out of her mouth is: Let me be your maid of honor, I'd throw you a killer party.

You have never once tried to be in my life. You can't even hold appointments to do my hair. You can't even let your son spend the night at my house. WHEN IT WOULD BENEFIT YOU! You don't call. You don't text. Gosh even your own cousin realized you were ignoring me at the party you invited me to where I knew no one. Letting your bitchy friends push me around. I'm not 9 anymore. I'm not your tag-a-long kid sister.

And you know what. You didn't even invite me to your bachelorette party. What makes you think you could come to mine when I get married?

Let's get this straight. You are my sister. And I love you. But you are not my friend.

I have tried and tried and tried only to be let down. And I won't take it anymore.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I better not get blamed for any of this now....but my uterus hurts.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I don't know which album that's come out in the last 3 months that I want the most. Probably Bon Iver. Trying not to illegally download. But I can't believe I haven't listened to a single song off it yet. Must. Make. Way. To. Record. Store.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Sometimes I get distracted going to bed. I start doing one thing which leads to another which leads to another.

Sometimes I think you play me songs and I think they're for me at first until I start to think that maybe they were for her.

Which is ok. Because I have songs for them. It will just always be songs for them. But you play them without talking or explaining. Half the song fits me. Half fits your past. I can't know.

Don't take this personally.

You talked about her. Which is good. You need to get that out. To figure out why it bothered you. But. Did you mention me? And when you did, did you blame me? I feel like I'm realizing I can't blame myself because I told you over and over to get your priorities right.

But you know it still hurts.

And where does that leave me...

I feel okay. And I feel broken. I am okay. Just torn. Where does this leave me? What do I do?

Sometimes I think about scary things. Sometimes I jump in the future (maybe not so distant) and freak out. I'm feeling like there's a curse at my store. Just avout every girl's dad has passed away before or during working at the store. Is that something I'm destined to follow? If so I want to quit right away.

Sometimes I'm scared to ask you questions. Sometimes I'm scared to ask about your dad. And you don't want to open up. And I can't pry. So I sit here in the dark not knowing.

Medication rant. Apologies.




Monday, June 6, 2011

One of my bosses (kinda) at work was asking me what my major is. What I'd be majoring in if I get my Master's. She said, "Oh yeah, my friend was a writing major. She hasn't found a job in 3 years. She works at a grocery store now. I just don't think that major is a good idea."

A) I'm already graduating. Thanks for the helpful tip that I should change my major NOW.

4. You never went to college. You're working your way up to middle management. Wow. That's something to be proud of.

ii. Your friend also wasn't actively searching for employment. Nor was she looking for employment in the field I am trying to break into. She was writing. Plain and simple. Nothing else.

7.9) I don't care that you know a lot of English majors that aren't working in that field or that can't find jobs. I am not them.

G. NO I DON'T WANT TO BE A TEACHER.