Tuesday, February 21, 2012

With just a few days left to go in this journey (I never thought it would end honestly), I went back and reevaluated all the ones left uncompleted. Overall, I think I've done a pretty good job even though I didn't get or try to do all of them.

001. Read the Bible everyday. I’ve started doing this.

016. Replace my Disney VHS collection with DVDs. I've done a pretty good job with this.

021. Learn how to save.

022. Learn how to invest. I'm no expert, but I've got some of the basics down.

031. Have a meaningful conversation on a swingset. I miss days like this.

034. Learn to cook. Not quite a chef, but I've made some excellent new recipes.

051. Visit my family in Pennsylvania again (preferably not for a funeral). And it was beautiful...

054. Make 10 new friends (10/10). I've made quite a few new friends and acquaintances over the last thousand days. Whether or not I'm super close with them, I will consider this complete.

057. Do something creative with all my pressed flowers.

072. Only buy things when I need them. I don't know if anyone will ever be perfect at this, but I have gotten a lot better. I still splurge every now and then, but mostly it is on things that I use a lot.

075. Get off as many medications as I can. I will be making an appointment with my doctor soon to do this. I don't like to be wasteful, so I'm waiting until I dwindle down my medicinal supplies.

076. Get off caffeine. I don't know if I'll ever fully do this, but I am making an effort to stop drinking as many sodas. Overall, this will be much healthier than my current situation.

077. Eat healthier. This is something to work on day by day. I am doing better, although I still pig out occasionally and I eat portions that are much too large.

097. Take a minute, to take a breath and enjoy something small. While I still don't do this as often as I'd like, I am getting better at stopping to smell the roses.

I won't have the next 1001 days list completed for a while, but I have started thinking about it.

Ps. Tutoring session went okay. It's gonna be tough. I hope that I am able to help her. It's not really grammar that is her problem, it's translating what she hears to her native language and back again.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


007. Graduate with my Bachelor’s. On time.
044. Waste film on lomography because it’s fun.
067. Keep my room clean for a whole week.
093. Visit Jeff and Rachel (former youth minister and wife). They visited me. This counts.

I’ve begun to realize that this will never happen.
048. Don’t waste time watching reruns of shows I’ve seen.

New blog: coming to a page near you.

Time for a change

I fear that it is time to move. Time to change.

This blog has been with me through four years of college. Until I go back (if I go back), the name does not fit.

So I will move on, full steam ahead.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Stress is a bitch.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Today I ate gluten.

Today I feel fat.

Things with estradiol are bad.

And making me fat.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

What to do? What to do?

I do not know where I will be in a year. What I will be.

I am about to graduate with my BA.

Which means I need a new blog title, unless I continue on to grad school.

And that is the dilemma.

My attempts to go directly onto my master's work was foiled. Two teachers promised to write me letters of recommendation and have since stopped responding. I briefly thought about stalking them during their office hours, but really...what's the point.

It's kind of discouraging.

I want to go to grad school now.

But what if in a year my priorities have changed?

What if I get accepted to the program of my dreams and decide not to go?

What if I regret that in 20 years?

What if I don't?

So right now I'm stuck.

I'm stuck working a menial job that I hate.

A job that severely stressed me out.

I'm stuck because...I don't want to get a real job and if I decide to go to London for a year for grad school, or the school in Scotland, or even somewhere in the States, have to quit. But I honestly can't see myself staying where I am for another year.

So these are the options I have. I should create a poll and let all 3 of you readers tell me what to do.

1. Stay at home. Stay at work. Be miserable.

2. Begin looking for temporary jobs that are somewhat better than my current one. Jobs that pay more. Stay at home. Save money. Decide later.

3. Apply to grad schools out of the country. The program of my dreams. A degree that only takes a year. The perfect plan. Find someone to write a letter of recommendation.

4. Apply to programs in the States. In my state. In the south. In high quality programs in NYC and LA (I shudder at the thought of living in those places).

5. Look into obtaining certificates without a master's degree. A lot of schools offer publishing and editing certificates to go along with any degree. Search for schools that offer those certificates to non-degree seeking students. Search for school's that offer those programs online.

6. Look into becoming a paralegal and obtaining a certificate in that as well. Not my ideal job, but certainly something high paying and better than what I'm doing right now.

These are all the options that have been running around in my hamster brain this week. I'm not sure what I want to do. They're all good options (besides number 1).

So...what to do? What to do?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Lately, my sister has been on my mind. I hate the way she treats our dad's side of the family. The birth father.

All throughout growing up, all throughout her high school years she hated her step father. She envied me for living with our dad. She wanted the life we had. Her mom sheltered her from the fact that my family struggled so much. All of our income was going to their family and we had barely enough to pay the bills. I don't think the money issue bothered Kristen until she got a little older.

High school comes around. Where's my car, dad? Aren't you supposed to buy me a car?

College. Are you going to pay for me to live in this house where we all do drugs? Are you going to pay for me to come home when I drop out of college?

And finally, the nail in the coffin. Her wedding. It is the bride's family's duty to pay for a wedding. We just couldn't. We were still recovering from the child support payments ending just a few years before. We had my grandparents from both sides helping us survive. So okay, dad. How about you just pay for the open bar?

We put in every dollar we could, but it wasn't enough.

She started out telling me she felt an obligation to her mom and stepdad for the money they shelled out for the wedding. THAT'S why they see her and my nephew more. Then she tells me that our dad was NEVER there. Her stepfather raised her. He's really her father. And I just don't understand because my parents aren't divorced.

Well you know what. No, they aren't. And thank God for that. But you know what I do understand? I understand the lies and the hate that she's been fed over the years. The bitterness and anger slowly building up. Because he wasn't there.

The problem is that he was. We lived in the same fucking neighborhood for 12 years. Her mother threw his things on the lawn one day and changed the locks because she'd been cheating on him with multiple men every time she went out of town. And my dad STILL went over every day to watch the kids, cook dinner, and do their laundry. She took away everything he had. And he still tried to be there. But after all of that, she wouldn't let him in. He wasn't allowed at certain functions. The awkwardness with her new husband. With her parents. He was never good enough for her. And now it appears he is not good enough for my sister either.

This all pains me greatly. And it's something that I try not to become bitter about, but sometimes I just can't hold it in any longer. She has stolen from me, she has lied to me, and she has not been a true sister or friend to me.

And the newest thing coming out of her mouth is: Let me be your maid of honor, I'd throw you a killer party.

You have never once tried to be in my life. You can't even hold appointments to do my hair. You can't even let your son spend the night at my house. WHEN IT WOULD BENEFIT YOU! You don't call. You don't text. Gosh even your own cousin realized you were ignoring me at the party you invited me to where I knew no one. Letting your bitchy friends push me around. I'm not 9 anymore. I'm not your tag-a-long kid sister.

And you know what. You didn't even invite me to your bachelorette party. What makes you think you could come to mine when I get married?

Let's get this straight. You are my sister. And I love you. But you are not my friend.

I have tried and tried and tried only to be let down. And I won't take it anymore.