Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm having a fibro flare.

My body hurts.
I can't think.
It makes me feel stupid and it always seems to pop up when I have a paper due or midterms. How am I supposed to get through school and work when sitting at home, doing nothing makes me feel bad?

Monday, September 28, 2009

So I'm thinking. If I were still at my first school, I first off don't know if I'd be alive.

I would have come back for the summer and worked a horrible job. I would have watched my grandpa slowly whither away and die. I would have seen the toll it took on my dad and grandma and realized there was nothing I could do. And then I would have gone back.

I would have gone back to almost no friends. My one roommate would have moved back home. My other would have moved out the next semester. I don't know if I would have stayed in my relationship or relied on it. I'd like to think that I would has plugged myself in with the few people I knew. But I don't think I would have. If I made it to second semester I would have gotten a frantic call one Sunday morning that my dad was going to the emergency room. I would have had to go to an emergency room by myself twice.

Most of the people I talk to are from work. A place I wouldn't be if I had stayed up there (although other things wouldn't have happened as well). I wouldn't have my sorority because the chapter up there dissolved. I'd have no church (even one I don't go to).

But the point I want to make is that, I'm pretty sure I would have killed myself. And through all the last two years have brought me, I'm thankful for my life.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I had a good time tonight. With a lot of laughs.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Smells I like a lot.

Fresh baked bread
Fresh waffle cones
A crisp fall breeze
Old books
Old things that smell like old smoke
New shoes
Axe Phoenix body spray
A boy's shirt
Washed clothes

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So today my car broke down. Stalled on the way to school. Wonderful... So now I need a new alternator.

Do you ever have moments when areas of your skin are just really, super sensitive? Like a finger or two or a spot on your leg? My finger hurts. It like feels normal till it gets touched or rubbed on something. Then it feels like raw. Suhweeeeet!

010. Try real sushi.

082. Spend a week at the beach and don’t stay inside the whole time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I gave blood yesterday. They started to take it out of my right arm, but it just wasn't coming out. I'm pretty much thinking she went right through the vein. It's bruised now =( My other arm had no shortage of blood though. It actually spurted it out everywhere. Hawt. Apparetly I'm still on the low end of normal iron too. They made me give less blood too cause I don't weigh a lot. A least that makes me feel good.

So I don't know if I mentioned it on here, but my sister is preeeeeeggerrrrrs! She's having a little boy in February (my month!!). And even though I think we were kinda hoping for a little girl (secretly of course...kinda. My mom put a tiny bit of pink in the blanket she knitted), we're really excited and this baby is gonna be so, so spoiled!

I'm also still hoping I don't fail German.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

My belly rumbles.
Stop telling me to stop talking!! WTF it's 1 in the morning and you're still with her?! Is she edging checking your phone for every text? I said one thiiiiing.

In other news, I'm feeling so lazy that I decided not to shower. Talk about ew. I wish I could go days without showering. With fibromyalgia it takes a lot of effort and energy to do that everyday. Sadly though, I work and I smell. So cleanliness it is! Except not tonight. Too lazy. But I hate the feeling of being dirty. I like showers I just wish someone else could wash me lol. Cause my arms hurt :(

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sleepy head

So apparently, blogging from my phone while I'm in bed is my new thing. I don't think most of the posts make sense, serve a purpose, or have good grammer. But hey, why not?

I'll tell you why not. My phone charger cord has frayed and the wires jab my fingers when I type. I'm gonna be electrocuted tonight. Only slightly worried about that. I just unplugged for now. It's safer that way.

I don't know if it's just the weather...I know it's not just me. I've been feeling pretty down lately. I mean I'm not super depressed like I have been. I have times when I feel good. But even in those moments I find that there's always a tinge of sadness or anger, jealousy or fear. It's always there, like a monster waiting just around the corner.

I don't even know where a lot of these emotions are coming from. I know that most of them are exaggerrated and uncalled for.

I feel very lonely. When I'm not texting or talking to someone I get overwhelmed. It's terrifying to think that I rely on people this much. Of course then, why am I depressed? Because the last like 5-10 friendships I've tried out have ended in failure. Because friends I thought would always be there for me abandoned me. Because I fall for idiots and they end up being just what they are.

And can I ask a few questions. Why do I even want to be friends with you? We loved each other and will always have a connection, but how could I view you as a best friend? All you do is ask for sex or naked pictures. You would cheat on her if I let you. And I won't let you. The same thing happened to you. Why would you do that to someone else? Ok, well maybe it's cause she's a bitch. Just saying...
But seriously, I'm tired of being told to "stop texting" because you're gonna see her.

And second question set: why would I even still think about you? You're an asshole. And I think I'm officially over it. I hope so at least.

Idk if I should use this outlet like a diary. I don't really know if anyone wants to read all this. But for now I'm gonna keep rambling.

I have several guys that wanna take me on dates. Why do I feel so lonely?

I'm really afraid I'm gonna fail some classes this semester. I'm working a lot. I decided to take on this sorority and they have things they want me to do as well. And I just keep putting things off and then realizing there's a lot left to do. I don't want to just scrape by with mediocre work.

I'm gonna have to seriously stop wasting my time on the internet. And in front of the tv. I have got plenty of free time I just need to allocate it.

I think more than anything I just really long to be touched. I need to feel some passion. Some spark.

I hate to say that I don't even care if it's random or going somewhere. I just need to feel something.

I'm on a path of destruction. I'm on a train going somewhere I don't wish to go. Stop please, I'd like to get off.

I don't care just where you go
as long, as long it's with me
and I don't care just what you do
as long, as long as it's with me too.
Why on earth am I still awake. Ridiculously long day. And here I am unable to sleep. I was falling asleep in the car but I'm awake now. I need something...

I started rereading my posts from the last few years. It's intense to see the change.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

lying in bed
listening to bon iver
hearing my dad snore
chapped lips

is this jealousy?
i know it's not "not caring"

when do I get to feel good?
when does life slow down?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Monday, September 14, 2009

I was right. He's talking to me again. But it still sucks having to hide it.

My eyes hurt from staring at the computer for so long. But at least I've been doing homework.

My dad is snoring next to me. Oops he woke up.

Random stream of consciousness=this blog.

My ears are itchy, as is my throat. I need to take a shower. I don't want to wake up for school tomorrow.

I have two weeks to meet with a bunch of girls in my sorority. To "get to know them." and I definitely don't think I have enough time. Thirty girls trying to meet with like 15 girls, all trying to work around school and work schedules. Not. That. Easy.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I've got a lot of work to do.

I've been accepted to a group and have a family of new sisters. I am so blessed to have been given this opportunity. I've really messed up my life, but God is still here to help me put everything back together.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm rushing for a Christian sorority this week. The first night was extremely fun and I wish I had found something like this at my last school. But this is where God wants me I guess.

Which brings me to my next point. I see myself really enjoying this and the opportunities and the friends I will have. But what influence will I have on them? Where does this leave my current life? What changes will I have to make and will I have the strength to make them? I'm not sure about that last one. Or maybe I have the strength, but not the will. I like what I do. I like how I act. For the most part.

Will I still be able to (or want to) go out and party for my 21st birthday? I've been planning on that for a while.

I'm also completely heartbroken. She pulled him away from me. My best friend. Even when I was upset with him, I could still tell him anything because he knew everything. And now we can't even be facebook friends? How does that work? Does she think that'll stop him from talking to me? Will it stop him from talking to me? I've called these things before (please reference previous posts haha), but it still hurts to be ignored. But no guy can stand a controlling girl. And he's not even getting any. So I don't think this will last long. I hope this won't last long.

Hooooow many friends do I have to go through before I find another true one?!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

My email is for the girlie that wanted to know :) Can't wait to read about you!

I'm planning on rushing for a Christian sorority called Theta Alpha. It starts on Monday and I'm a bit scared. I think it would be a great step in the right direction for me, but a big part of me doesn't want me to do it. I've been having too much fun. I don't think the fun is helping me much though. Prayer that I will be courageous is appreciated.

Also, since I'm adding prayer requests, if anyone would like to pray for my friend's family, they've just lost the patriarch of their family. A father, grandfather and great grandfather too I believe. It's definitely a rough time for them.

Also, prayer for the Salamys is always welcome. Their blog can be found here

And their previous blog, detailing the life of their daughter Anna can be found here What an amazing family and an amazing story.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Run away

Do you ever feel like you just want to turn everything off and just run away?

I wanna turn off the computer. Turn off the phone and the texts. Avoid the facebook stalking and the memory of all the mistakes I've made this last year. Pry the phone out of my hand and flex so it's not in a permanent claw shape. I might get lonely. I'd like someone to go with me. But maybe this is something I need to do alone. But not really alone. Get back to nature. Get back to God.

If I thought I was complacent before, I don't know what I am now. I've allowed myself to fall into sins that I never thought I'd touch. I allow myself to be disrespected and thrown around. And for what? A few moments of what I thought were happiness? If this is happiness, I'd hate to feel misery.

I don't want to retreat into a shell. I've made a lot of friends and I've enjoyed having fun, but if retreating is what it takes...I'll go fetal position and comatose. I don't wanna be stuck like this forever.