Thursday, September 8, 2011

007. Graduate with my Bachelor’s. On time.
044. Waste film on lomography because it’s fun.
067. Keep my room clean for a whole week.
093. Visit Jeff and Rachel (former youth minister and wife). They visited me. This counts.

I’ve begun to realize that this will never happen.
048. Don’t waste time watching reruns of shows I’ve seen.

New blog: coming to a page near you.

Time for a change

I fear that it is time to move. Time to change.

This blog has been with me through four years of college. Until I go back (if I go back), the name does not fit.

So I will move on, full steam ahead.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Stress is a bitch.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Today I ate gluten.

Today I feel fat.

Things with estradiol are bad.

And making me fat.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

What to do? What to do?

I do not know where I will be in a year. What I will be.

I am about to graduate with my BA.

Which means I need a new blog title, unless I continue on to grad school.

And that is the dilemma.

My attempts to go directly onto my master's work was foiled. Two teachers promised to write me letters of recommendation and have since stopped responding. I briefly thought about stalking them during their office hours, but really...what's the point.

It's kind of discouraging.

I want to go to grad school now.

But what if in a year my priorities have changed?

What if I get accepted to the program of my dreams and decide not to go?

What if I regret that in 20 years?

What if I don't?

So right now I'm stuck.

I'm stuck working a menial job that I hate.

A job that severely stressed me out.

I'm stuck because...I don't want to get a real job and if I decide to go to London for a year for grad school, or the school in Scotland, or even somewhere in the States, have to quit. But I honestly can't see myself staying where I am for another year.

So these are the options I have. I should create a poll and let all 3 of you readers tell me what to do.

1. Stay at home. Stay at work. Be miserable.

2. Begin looking for temporary jobs that are somewhat better than my current one. Jobs that pay more. Stay at home. Save money. Decide later.

3. Apply to grad schools out of the country. The program of my dreams. A degree that only takes a year. The perfect plan. Find someone to write a letter of recommendation.

4. Apply to programs in the States. In my state. In the south. In high quality programs in NYC and LA (I shudder at the thought of living in those places).

5. Look into obtaining certificates without a master's degree. A lot of schools offer publishing and editing certificates to go along with any degree. Search for schools that offer those certificates to non-degree seeking students. Search for school's that offer those programs online.

6. Look into becoming a paralegal and obtaining a certificate in that as well. Not my ideal job, but certainly something high paying and better than what I'm doing right now.

These are all the options that have been running around in my hamster brain this week. I'm not sure what I want to do. They're all good options (besides number 1).

So...what to do? What to do?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I better not get blamed for any of this now....but my uterus hurts.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I don't know which album that's come out in the last 3 months that I want the most. Probably Bon Iver. Trying not to illegally download. But I can't believe I haven't listened to a single song off it yet. Must. Make. Way. To. Record. Store.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Sometimes I get distracted going to bed. I start doing one thing which leads to another which leads to another.

Sometimes I think you play me songs and I think they're for me at first until I start to think that maybe they were for her.

Which is ok. Because I have songs for them. It will just always be songs for them. But you play them without talking or explaining. Half the song fits me. Half fits your past. I can't know.

Don't take this personally.

You talked about her. Which is good. You need to get that out. To figure out why it bothered you. But. Did you mention me? And when you did, did you blame me? I feel like I'm realizing I can't blame myself because I told you over and over to get your priorities right.

But you know it still hurts.

And where does that leave me...

I feel okay. And I feel broken. I am okay. Just torn. Where does this leave me? What do I do?

Sometimes I think about scary things. Sometimes I jump in the future (maybe not so distant) and freak out. I'm feeling like there's a curse at my store. Just avout every girl's dad has passed away before or during working at the store. Is that something I'm destined to follow? If so I want to quit right away.

Sometimes I'm scared to ask you questions. Sometimes I'm scared to ask about your dad. And you don't want to open up. And I can't pry. So I sit here in the dark not knowing.

Medication rant. Apologies.

Monday, June 6, 2011

One of my bosses (kinda) at work was asking me what my major is. What I'd be majoring in if I get my Master's. She said, "Oh yeah, my friend was a writing major. She hasn't found a job in 3 years. She works at a grocery store now. I just don't think that major is a good idea."

A) I'm already graduating. Thanks for the helpful tip that I should change my major NOW.

4. You never went to college. You're working your way up to middle management. Wow. That's something to be proud of.

ii. Your friend also wasn't actively searching for employment. Nor was she looking for employment in the field I am trying to break into. She was writing. Plain and simple. Nothing else.

7.9) I don't care that you know a lot of English majors that aren't working in that field or that can't find jobs. I am not them.


Friday, May 20, 2011

My body hates me

I'm so tired.

So sick still.

Brain is racing about everything and nothing and past (not even my pass) and I'm so drugged up on everything I took to stop the cough and the sneeze and the pain and the race. And it's running. And the drugs make me philoslothocal (lol). And the music makes it...flow. But I just want to sleep. Please? Please.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Just forget.

Put it out of your mind.

And forget.

To sleep.

To dream.

And morning will bring

another day.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Love Skins

As he's taking his anti-depressants and saying he's crazy.

Michelle: You're very up front.

Josh: What other way is there to be?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

My mom is making a quilt.

She's using fabric from things she made in high school.


She's also using fabric that I purchased.

To make things.

When I was in high school.

And she doesn't understand

why I keep asking her why she's using my fabric.

It's the same reason her mom didn't use her fabric to make a quilt.

Because one day

I want to make a quilt

using the fabric from things I made in high school.

But now it's all gone.
All day I have tasted vomit. Smelled it. I'm worried about my ulcer. I'm worried about my health. 

My hip popped out of place. My sciatica is pinched. 

I'm twitchy.

Vomit on my breath. 

Mind racing. 

Muddled thoughts. 

Almost passing out. A lot.

Aching hands. 

Ethel is falling apart. 

On the other hand, I'm happy as a duck. Or something else equally happy. And why are ducks so happy?
Is that even a saying? It's not. Happy as a clam. Happy as a lark.

I have a funny happy as a clam cartoon. It makes me laugh lots.

Work still sucks.

School's out for two weeks.

I want to see the bestie, Carly. And be friends with her kidney on Facebook.

I think she reads this. I worry about her a lot still. Sorry, Carly. I try not to panic, but...I love you. Try not to need anymore surgeries. You can still be an old lady with me. But no more of this nonsense. Tumors be damned. Let them know I'll go all Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer/Navy Seal on their tiny orange asses.

Monday, May 2, 2011

has a heart
has a heart
has a heart

and it's collapsing.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tonight I have a headache.

Tonight I have insomnia.

Tonight I have a rolling stomach.

Tonight I am restless.

And I do not know why.

I'm tired.

I'm very tired. Sometimes I wish I had gone on academic disability. Finals week is stressful for me and I don't even have finals. I stay up late not studying. I wake up late to not study. I am exhausted. I am scatterbrained.

Fibro fog is setting in and I still have so much to do.

Why was I made this way?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Today I received sad and happy news and found myself crying in front of many women at church. A good, older friend of mine has a sister who has been very ill for many years. Struggling with cancer. Going into remission only to relapse. And she is not saved. This is something my friend and our church have been praying about for years. Today my friend told me that her sister has been moved to hospice. The chemo has caused kidney failure and she is now struggling with sepsis. Her body, so weak, is just shutting down. The doctor said she would probably just get tired and fall asleep. So my friend has been running around trying to keep her from getting too tired. To hang on just a little bit longer.

The good news is that a group of kids was at the hospice center. A boy asked her if she had any prayer requests. She misheard him and thought he asked if she'd like to pray. She agreed on the terms that he would close it out. In that prayer she thanked God for Jesus. For sending Him to cover her sins. And she ended her prayer for the first time ever, in Jesus' name.

Hearing this I began to cry without realizing it. I knew how much my friend has been praying. Praying for more years than I've been alive. And I was overcome with joy for her. Sadness for her loss, but joy in knowing that they would see each other again in Heaven.

There are all these little things my friend is wondering about. Her sister resorted to this at the end, out of fear. She hasn't been baptized. But we have a merciful God. She said someone spoke these words to her:

Some will enter God's kingdom as mature believers and some will enter as babes. They won't know scripture or worship songs. But they will know God.

He is risen.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I'm starting to believe work is conscious of the fact that I plan important things around my "normal" schedule and switch it up to mess with me.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I have the best boyfriend ever.

It's true.

I got lucky.

Perfect mix of similarities and differences.



Monday, April 18, 2011

Sometimes for no reason.
My stomach turns in the middle of the night and I fear.
And I leap out of bed.
And I run to the bathroom.
And I lean over the toilet.
And sometimes there is acid.
Bile from deep down.
Bile buried deep from years of regret.
And sometimes there is just the taste.
Just the smell.
And I realize how close I got.
And sometimes there is nothing at all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Brain hurts.
Almost 5 am.
Tear stained.
Loud trucks.

Sleep is now a far away place.

There will be no more waking up to check texts. Wait until morning. What was I thinking?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The last few days have been difficult. Emotionally.

I am happy. Don't get me wrong. I just have those moments.

July is getting closer. I don't know how we'll deal with it this year. I wanna be there for grandma. For dad. I wanna go to mass. But while I wanna focus my entire day on him. I want to run away. Be distracted. Forget. Grandma deals every day. Every night. She puts herself through it. Dad deals internally. He doesn't realize how much it affects him. I deal on nights like this. When it hits. And it hits hard.

And I want to remember.

And I want to forget.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I seriously think I'll be sick.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You can't not talk to all of us forever.

Then you'll be left all alone.

But you can't sit there and think you can reign over us anymore.

We're all adults now. Act like it. And treat us with a little respect.


I've not been feeling well for a few days. Speedy heart rate and shortness of breath, go away.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Can I just say

how stinkin' happy I am?

Cause. It's awesome.

Philosophical thought....who needs 'em.

I'm happy. And that's all that needs to be said.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Best text ever

"Hahaha you're you. That's all the cute I'll ever need!"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My hair is falling out and my finger nails are breaking. Stress much?

Monday, March 21, 2011

Today's random thoughts


I really want to move to Texas. I don't know why. 

"Kids" is my favorite MGMT song. 

Today, my dad, hater of all things furry (because they pee on carpets), told me I should have brought home a puppy that a homeless man had. When I say puppy, I mean it could fit in my hand and was still nursing. I'm worried for it. And the man. But the puppy.

I want to see Suckerpunch. Comes out Friday? Want to see.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

When I'm not depressed, I don't know what to write.

And when I am, I apologize because all you see are complaints. The poems I crap out are at least somewhat better.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Today's sermon matched up with Radical so well. Things have been popping up in TV and books and articles and just every were I look. It's amazing.

Friday, March 11, 2011

On a boat!

Day 1 thoughts

I miss you
Sorority girls are really stupid : titanic, drunk in heels, snooty.
I miss you.
Everyone is on spring break it seems like. FSU. UF. Western GA. NC state. It's a giant drunken party. 

I gambled away some money. Boo. 

So the titanic story

Girl 1: I wanna go on an Alaskan cruise. 
Girl 2: Uh hello, Titanic. 
Me (to self): opposite coasts. 

I've never seen so many people dressed so "sluttily" or so many people in bathing suits when it's so cold. 

Anyway, this is what I'd want to talk to you about if I could text you.

And also that I'm wearing a sea sick patch and wrist bands and still feeling it. The boat is moving a lot. When we turn the light off we could see black sea and white caps out our window. It's really cool and terrifying at the same time to be so in the middle of nowhere. 

Its 11:09 on spring break and I'm in bed. 

I do miss talking to you. I'm hoping this week gives me some time to contemplate and talk to God about the situation. 

Day 2 thoughts:

Waiting for my massage/seaweed wrap. It'll be worth it as long as they understood I didn't want the $259 one. It's good for Fibro. I'm actually excited. We ordered breakfast room service today. I'm hoping it is free. We couldn't find anything stating it was or wasn't. Just "gratuity" at your own discretion. So while I don't think it's possible to max out my card, here's to hoping we don't. 

I gambled roughly 15 dollars last night and was left with $2 in quarters. It was fun though. Hope I don't get addicted. 
I guess I won't since there's not a casino readily available to me haha. 

You can buy these cups on the cruise for unlimited soda and my mom gave me hers. They wouldn't even fill it with water for me. They were just lookin' for a heat stroke. 

Sorority girl: "Amber needs alcohol now. She just had sex and it didn't feel so good."

Still miss you. Keep checking my phone like something will be there :(

I think I'm gonna bring you a tiny shell. It was hiding. It's a secret. Like you and me. 

This is a longer day then yesterday. I was still able to text you 24 hours ago. I feel kinda silly feeling this way. I just got so used to talking to you. 

After the beach today, Jenn and I fell asleep. Tonight is our fancy, formal night.  We came back to the boat early to make sure we had plenty of time to get ready.  The beds were just so inviting. All the party girls were dressed up last night, so I'm interested to see what they'll wear tonight.  

Tomorrow is Nassau and I might have service there. Looking forward to trying at least. We have a much longer day tomorrow. Today we had to be back on the boat by 4:30. Tomorrow we have till 11pm. So even after we snorkel and shop, I'll have plenty of time to text if there's service. I understand why the boat charges for phone service. But wifi should be free grrr. 

I think the anchor is being pulled up or the boat is starting up. Or part of it is. We're on the 2nd floor at the veeeeery back of the boat. Seeing the dark sea last night was intense. And hearing weird boat noises. 

I was right, they are pulling up the anchor lol. They're saying the ride should be smoother tonight. I hope so. Last night was bad. 

Sorority girl: "It's only 8:55. Did we change time zones? Oh I was looking at the wrong hands."

Today I won back all the money I gambled. But then I played it again. I've never been in a casino before, it just so addicting. 

I wanted to let you know that the last guy and I never talked like you and I do. At the beginning we talked basics but then struggled to keep a conversation going. I (I assume we both) enjoyed our conversations and wanted to keep them coming. But we had to play ice breakers and question games. You and I, we fell into a good groove somehow. And not only do we not have to struggle to find conversation, we long for it. Or I do. When I get my schedule when I get back, I want to see you. I want to see your room. I want you to tell me about all the little things, your loves, your hobbies, your mottos. While cuddling. Real simple cuddling.
And I'm gonna make you another mix tape soon. 

What I would have texted you:

How's your brother? And the rest of the fam? Are you having fun?

Do you miss me?

After ambien:

College girls and boys screaming about sex "do I know you?" oh ok no biggie my room is this way. Stay out of the hot tubs and pools. Shower shoes. 

Night is almost over for us. Ambien. In bed. Hoping for service tomorrow. Hoping for you.

Day 3 thoughts. 

Guy pushing another guy in wheel chair running into things. "he's handicap shut the fuck up"

Walking down the street: 

Straw market ladies:
"they didn't come here to shop these doing beakers. They Came to drink and to fuck" lol

Boy 1 next door:
"what if he's not on the boat?"
Boy 2 next door:
"I know man what if he's in the fucking Bahamas."

Sorority girl (to janitor on deck): "Do you think it's gonna rain?"
Janitor: "Um I don't know."
Sorority girl: "Are you a meteorologist" 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Tonight was a good night.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

I don't want to believe in the things that go bump in the night.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Tomorrow is my birthday. That is all.

No really, I have nothing to say except that I'm tired and probably acting like a grump. And listening to depressing music laying in bed at 6pm the night before my birthday probably looks pretty pitiful haha.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Things on my mind

I want to see one of the last two shuttle launches.

About a week ago I jabbed myself in the gums with my toothbrush and went through to the bone (or tooth) it looks like. It still hurts and I'm trying to heal it. Positive: swishing with hydrogen peroxide seems to be whitening my teeth.

I would like to have the job of music placement in television shows. I think I would do a good job. And also, not have musical scenes unless it was a musical. Characters should not just randomly be like, "Oh yeah, I have a nice voice, I think I'm gonna get up and sing in front of all these people." Unless they have a bad voice and it's funny. Or it's Amber on Parenthood. But that's because it's not done in a cheesy way. For some reason. I'm not really sure how you avoid cheese. Maybe I'd be bad at that job.

It would be fun to record books for audio books. I did have the idea of being a voice actor for a while.

I should have thought about all this stuff before going to college.

Blogger should add the option of listening music like xanga and livejournal have. I'd probably lie and say I was listening to Eisley (which is what I've been listening to on repeat since it showed up in an e-mail) to get them...idk, "trending," but I'm listening to Azure Ray in reality. One song, on repeat. "Love and Permanence"

I feel like this is the [insert depressing moment here] moment, but I don't want to. I'm confused as always, and still in a pickle, still writing weird poems in my phone and forgetting about them. But it's all been said.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

You're still lying and making excuses. That's not cool. Making it seem suddenly that you still like me. Stop that! I only crave honesty.

Done with this shiz.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm trying to write a little more consistently here. And maybe not always depressing stuff.
Hmm. Today: babies, homework, work, organic pancake flour explosion, talking to lovely people, ambien, here.

Still in a pickle. Finally got to dish about it. Feel relieved. Not like it's fixed. But relieved.

Tomorrow will be a good day :)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

After The Lion King (and maybe Aladdin) my favorite Disney movie is The Aristocats. And The Rescuers.

I never can choose just one.

I guess I'm honestly moving past being upset. It has been a month after all. What is so upsetting though is that you said you broke it off because you saw it actually going somewhere, a future, and you didn't want to mess it up. And come to find out it was the exact opposite. Burn. But then, I guess you really couldn't tell me that, could you? At least not after telling me the night before how much you liked me. I'm moving on, but give a girl some closure, c'mon. Don't keep texting saying you want to hang out. Say, "I don't want to marry you, but we can still be friends." Lol. That would work, right?

Philosophical Karlee out.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

you've got cucumbers on your eyes

Mixing meds. Probably not good. Been awake for too long. I haven't had this problem in a long time. I got up. Took all my posters down. Rearranged them. Thought about moving furniture. Back hurt. Mom woke up. Took muscle relaxer after klonipin. Hope I wake up. Jk I'll wake up. Dizzy though. Still awake. But dizzy. Here's to laying (lying?) in the dark for 12 hours till I have to crawl out of bed and go to hell work. I've noticed everyone that's been there as long as me or longer (especially those around my age, about to graduate (or not) are wanting to quit. It's not just me. The company is changing. And it's sucking.

I want purple hair.

God, help me to see Your will for my life and follow that, regardless of the worldly consequences.

I hope I wake up.
Several things:

I wish there was a place to post poetry and short shorts online, but I fear not getting published, or getting plagarized.

I am in quite a pickle.

Also, I wish you had told me. And I'm gonna get it out of you one way or another. Because as of right now, it looks like you were lying. And I don't stand for lying.

Friday, February 18, 2011

032. Get a library card.
Tooooday. Today, I procrastinated on a lot of stuff and I woke up late because I fell asleep late and (yeah I'm gonna run-on sentence this suckah) I didn't do any of my paper or even think about it and I didn't study so I didn't remember when Nintendo was founded and I drove at night and that weird flashy thing happened again where I thought a red light camera was catching me even though I wasn't running a red light, but it's just my tear film being bad (that's what the doctor said, he said, "oh that is bad") and I went to the grocery store to get my schedule and bought Greg a box of chocolates because people only ever go visit him to get their paystubs, so I bought him chocolate, but I couldn't just buy him chocolate, so I bought conditioner and Aquaphor, and my birthday champagne (which is really sparkling wine, but it's imported from Italy, FROM ITALY), and I really don't know why I'm writing all this, but it's happier than last night and I'm putting off going back to my paper that's due tomorrow, but really today in around 14 hours.

And tomorrow I have to work. Ew.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tonight turned into a crying night.

But it's okay.

Because now I know.

And with knowing, I can move past it.

Ps. I know you never found this blog because you didn't care enough, but here's your secret message. You're not getting your mixtape. You're not getting me. You're not getting anymore of my time. Congrats. The friendship. That's gonna take time to heal. And work on your part. But I wish you luck.
Haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway.

That could change.

I know what you're doing and I hope that's not what you're doing.

My brain is a mess. My heart is a mess.

Ups and downs.

I want to write something again. Not these meaningless things I jot in my phone at 3am, or when something strikes me while driving.

I just found a suicide poem I wrote in the early hours of the morning.
It's striking. And heart breaking. And I don't remember writing it.

Most days I feel beautiful and happy.

Some days I feel like staying in bed.
Forcing tears.
Any reaction.

Today was a good day.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Explain to me why now that my heart has finally slowed, it feels so strange. Swollen, achey, jumpy, and heavy.

I've been having lots of thoughts lately. I've been writing them down in different places. I need to put them all in one place. I don't know if this is the place. I don't know if there is a place.

I'm unhappy, but I'm working on it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Haven't been sleeping well. And I wasn't thinking. But maybe drinking half a bottle of moet and then taking a klonipin wasn't the best idea.


Saturday, January 22, 2011


Okay, not really. But it has been disappointing. I'm tired of plans falling through. I'm tired of excuses. I'm tired of faking happiness.

Also, I'm tired of homework, so if that could go away too...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

It'd be nice if I could go a day without embarrassing myself.

Without injuring myself.

Thinking positively, without worry.

It'd be nice if you weren't so quick to say good night.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Today I tried to do my hair like this:

Or tried to be similar. If I had a tangerine I would take a picture. But I don't, so I just look like Princess Leah.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Today is a bad day. And a better day. So I don't know whether to be happy or sad. But I'm crying either way.

Friday, January 14, 2011

So what's on the menu for this semester so far:

I hate my job. We have a new supervisor. And she's a bitch.

I already dropped a class. But that's probably a good thing. Now I'll have more time to spend with my...wait...where are all my friends? Oh they're in school or working? I guess I'll have more time to do homework and work-work and maybe be with my family. Maybe I'll just get really lazy and depressed and lay in bed all the time. Hopefully not, we'll see.

I'm single. This is probably a good thing too. I have no idea what is going on in my life. I haven't for a while. I've been trying to get medicines under control. Pain under control. Depression and fatigue under control. None of that has really happened yet. It's really easy for things to throw me off. Like a new bitch boss, or a bad break up.

I've been trying to do devotions. That is nice. I miss my sorority. I miss the fellowship with God. I miss church.

I miss...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My iPod shuffle is playing such good songs I don't want to get out of the car.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
- Psalm 119:50

I came across this tonight. And needed to make note that this is me. How many times has God saved me from ending it all? Too many to count.

I want to start a dream journal.

Monday, January 10, 2011

You know, as a girl, I can't say I've never had my heart broken or been royally screwed over by a guy (although I tend to do the breaking up), but I've noticed a trend in my guy friends. They get seriously messed up by women. They give all they have and get screwed and then they never want to have a relationship again. And that sucks.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I think I'm beginning to feel better. Somewhat. I haven't been crying nearly as much, except in appropriate situations. I haven't been having panic attacks where I'm texting people, saying, "There's something wrong. I'm not okay." And even if I do have panic attacks, I don't want that to be what I do. I don't need to throw my burdens on other people.

I'd like to go a semester without crying in the library. I'd like to end my college experience on a happy note.

And I really want to go to England. And I don't want to let money stop me. Or time. If I don't get in for the fall because I'm cutting it so close on time, why can't I work for a year and get my Master's a year later. There's no reason I can't do that.

I'm having happy moments again. I'm not staying inside my head even when I'm with people, or feeling sorry for myself. I'm enjoying things and moments and seconds.