Monday, January 25, 2010

My chest is so tight. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe.

I was supposed to go to bible study tonight, but my chest was so so tight I decided to stay home. It got worse. My cousin/youth minister thinks I'm faking I think.

And while trying to fix my moms computer, I didn't save all her pictures and music. Ugh. I feel so bad. How am I supposed to sleep tonight?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sometimes I just want to tell people the truth. That the pain you feel on your worst day is the pain I feel every day. Think about how my bad days feel.

But no one believes me really.

So why bother.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

What a horrible week this has felt like. It's had it's pleasant moments.

Lunch with a good friend.

Flowers on my doorstep.

The one night of rush I got to attend.

It's also had crap.

Work hours seem to drag on.
My lower back has a pinched nerve.
Last night my chest tightened up. It hasn't loosened up since.

I'm having a migraine/panic attack and I'm at the 24 hour point. Please stop now.

Being anxious about nothing makes no sense. It also makes me depressed. I start thinking about all the reasons for me to be depressed or anxious and it starts a cycle.

Arguing doesn't help. Can we stop that soon plzkthx.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Is it bad if I realize I haven't written in too long and just force an entry? I don't want to force it, but I feel like I need a prompt or something.

Let's see.

I'm so tense.

I have a pinched nerve and tight muscles. I stand all day at work or walk/limp from class to class. By the time I get home exercise (or even stretching) is not possible. I sit in a slouched position in my chair, making my back worse and stessing about homework.

I don't fall asleep at night. Probably should put down the phone right? Yeah, probably. I'll get right on that.

I sleep way more than a normal person should. Wake up sleepy and lethargic. I could stay curled up all day long. I wish I could.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I want to feel better.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Want an insider's look at what is going on in Haiti? This is my aunt and uncle's blog. They live in Haiti about 9 months out of the year. Haiti doesn't allow them to be there for more than 3 months at a time. They have been traveling to Haiti for as long as I can remember, doing missions work. They decided to do it full time two years ago. Their love for Haiti makes my heart swell. I wish I had a heart like them. When I was little I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to marry a preacher and have three kids. Two girls and a boy. Their story is amazing. I wish I still had a heart like that.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Buffy is basically the best show around still and its where I learned all my life lessons from.

Spike : You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
Oh you are not
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
And we should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

Monday, January 11, 2010

I wanna know it all. Part of that surprises me and part of it doesn't. At least she's a nice girl. You're right. But I can't get it out of my head that she's just a girl. Of course, what am I? I can't say anything. I have no right to say anything. At all

at all


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Everyone tell me their tumblrs (Kate!! If you want to :)). I'd like to see them all.
So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know.




Thursday, January 7, 2010

I can't find my Xanax bottle and I can't remember the last place I had it. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

It's cold here and it shouldn't be so the heats on which dries out my nasal passages making it harder and painful to breathe the cold air. Vicious I'm laying in bed snorting ice cold saline spray to moisten. Mm

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My friend's mom just passed away. It seems that cancer can either be slow and painful or it can come on quick and take someone before you realize they're leaving. I'm at a loss for words as to what I can say. I can compare and empathize, but I think all that helps is someone who listens and holds and cries with you. And majorly listens. I hope Sarah has that. If she doesn't, Sarah, I'm here. Death is never easy. And it's never the same. No one but you and your family will have the same experience. Hold onto that. Don't worry about being strong for them. You all need to be weak together. It's how you'll all get stronger. Otherwise, it'll bite you in the butt.

Friday, January 1, 2010

So this is the new year...

and I don't feel any different.

I'm almost 21 years old and I've lived in 3 different decades already. I'm going into my fourth. I spent the majority of my schooling in the...10's? The do you even speak about the first decade of the 2000's. How did they speak about the first ten years of the 1900's? I don't have anyone to ask. I guess we'll figure it out soon enough.

I've decided that I don't want a brand new start this year. I'm tired of starting over and trying to fix everything all at once. Fresh starts aren't always all they're cracked up to be. So I'm just gonna keep going. Keep living. Survive. And we'll see if this year is any better than the last one.

P to the s. I drank waaaaay more than I planned last night. People shouldn't offer me shots. People really shouldn't offer me shots when I've had basically a whole bottle of sparkling wine by myself. Buuuut the party I went to was totally indie and awesome haha. It was out in the woods and three bands played and basically, it was the best new years eve I've ever had.

And I got my first kiss of the new year. My first kiss at midnight of a new year. So that was nice.

Too bad my boyfriend is upset about something and doesn't want to talk about it because, "It's not that important and [he'll] get over it." WTF is that?! If it's not bothering you and you don't want to talk about it, don't tell me about it! Don't mention it at all.

I haven't eaten at all today. I'm nauseous.