Saturday, February 26, 2011

Tomorrow is my birthday. That is all.

No really, I have nothing to say except that I'm tired and probably acting like a grump. And listening to depressing music laying in bed at 6pm the night before my birthday probably looks pretty pitiful haha.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Things on my mind

I want to see one of the last two shuttle launches.

About a week ago I jabbed myself in the gums with my toothbrush and went through to the bone (or tooth) it looks like. It still hurts and I'm trying to heal it. Positive: swishing with hydrogen peroxide seems to be whitening my teeth.

I would like to have the job of music placement in television shows. I think I would do a good job. And also, not have musical scenes unless it was a musical. Characters should not just randomly be like, "Oh yeah, I have a nice voice, I think I'm gonna get up and sing in front of all these people." Unless they have a bad voice and it's funny. Or it's Amber on Parenthood. But that's because it's not done in a cheesy way. For some reason. I'm not really sure how you avoid cheese. Maybe I'd be bad at that job.

It would be fun to record books for audio books. I did have the idea of being a voice actor for a while.

I should have thought about all this stuff before going to college.

Blogger should add the option of listening music like xanga and livejournal have. I'd probably lie and say I was listening to Eisley (which is what I've been listening to on repeat since it showed up in an e-mail) to get them...idk, "trending," but I'm listening to Azure Ray in reality. One song, on repeat. "Love and Permanence"

I feel like this is the [insert depressing moment here] moment, but I don't want to. I'm confused as always, and still in a pickle, still writing weird poems in my phone and forgetting about them. But it's all been said.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

You're still lying and making excuses. That's not cool. Making it seem suddenly that you still like me. Stop that! I only crave honesty.

Done with this shiz.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm trying to write a little more consistently here. And maybe not always depressing stuff.
Hmm. Today: babies, homework, work, organic pancake flour explosion, talking to lovely people, ambien, here.

Still in a pickle. Finally got to dish about it. Feel relieved. Not like it's fixed. But relieved.

Tomorrow will be a good day :)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

After The Lion King (and maybe Aladdin) my favorite Disney movie is The Aristocats. And The Rescuers.

I never can choose just one.

I guess I'm honestly moving past being upset. It has been a month after all. What is so upsetting though is that you said you broke it off because you saw it actually going somewhere, a future, and you didn't want to mess it up. And come to find out it was the exact opposite. Burn. But then, I guess you really couldn't tell me that, could you? At least not after telling me the night before how much you liked me. I'm moving on, but give a girl some closure, c'mon. Don't keep texting saying you want to hang out. Say, "I don't want to marry you, but we can still be friends." Lol. That would work, right?

Philosophical Karlee out.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

you've got cucumbers on your eyes

Mixing meds. Probably not good. Been awake for too long. I haven't had this problem in a long time. I got up. Took all my posters down. Rearranged them. Thought about moving furniture. Back hurt. Mom woke up. Took muscle relaxer after klonipin. Hope I wake up. Jk I'll wake up. Dizzy though. Still awake. But dizzy. Here's to laying (lying?) in the dark for 12 hours till I have to crawl out of bed and go to hell work. I've noticed everyone that's been there as long as me or longer (especially those around my age, about to graduate (or not) are wanting to quit. It's not just me. The company is changing. And it's sucking.

I want purple hair.

God, help me to see Your will for my life and follow that, regardless of the worldly consequences.

I hope I wake up.
Several things:

I wish there was a place to post poetry and short shorts online, but I fear not getting published, or getting plagarized.

I am in quite a pickle.

Also, I wish you had told me. And I'm gonna get it out of you one way or another. Because as of right now, it looks like you were lying. And I don't stand for lying.

Friday, February 18, 2011

032. Get a library card.
Tooooday. Today, I procrastinated on a lot of stuff and I woke up late because I fell asleep late and (yeah I'm gonna run-on sentence this suckah) I didn't do any of my paper or even think about it and I didn't study so I didn't remember when Nintendo was founded and I drove at night and that weird flashy thing happened again where I thought a red light camera was catching me even though I wasn't running a red light, but it's just my tear film being bad (that's what the doctor said, he said, "oh that is bad") and I went to the grocery store to get my schedule and bought Greg a box of chocolates because people only ever go visit him to get their paystubs, so I bought him chocolate, but I couldn't just buy him chocolate, so I bought conditioner and Aquaphor, and my birthday champagne (which is really sparkling wine, but it's imported from Italy, FROM ITALY), and I really don't know why I'm writing all this, but it's happier than last night and I'm putting off going back to my paper that's due tomorrow, but really today in around 14 hours.

And tomorrow I have to work. Ew.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tonight turned into a crying night.

But it's okay.

Because now I know.

And with knowing, I can move past it.

Ps. I know you never found this blog because you didn't care enough, but here's your secret message. You're not getting your mixtape. You're not getting me. You're not getting anymore of my time. Congrats. The friendship. That's gonna take time to heal. And work on your part. But I wish you luck.
Haven't felt much like laughing lately anyway.

That could change.

I know what you're doing and I hope that's not what you're doing.

My brain is a mess. My heart is a mess.

Ups and downs.

I want to write something again. Not these meaningless things I jot in my phone at 3am, or when something strikes me while driving.

I just found a suicide poem I wrote in the early hours of the morning.
It's striking. And heart breaking. And I don't remember writing it.

Most days I feel beautiful and happy.

Some days I feel like staying in bed.
Forcing tears.
Any reaction.

Today was a good day.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Explain to me why now that my heart has finally slowed, it feels so strange. Swollen, achey, jumpy, and heavy.

I've been having lots of thoughts lately. I've been writing them down in different places. I need to put them all in one place. I don't know if this is the place. I don't know if there is a place.

I'm unhappy, but I'm working on it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Haven't been sleeping well. And I wasn't thinking. But maybe drinking half a bottle of moet and then taking a klonipin wasn't the best idea.