Monday, January 28, 2008

I haven't posted in a while. And I'm not really gonna post right now, but this was a bulletin posted by Circa Survive on Myspace and I feel the need to repeat it.

i lay in a windowless box, a murderer. pled guilty, found guilty, and left alone. i can hear people, and cars,and windows opening, and power tools, and im tired, anxious , scared , lonely, and wondering. why do we kill the inspired. why do we kill the ones who inspire us? why do all the peace preachers die by our hands. how many more young artist-how many more lovers bodies must be found until we can understand love. to what form do we expect the spirit to take that we wont imprison, incarcerate, or ignore. when will she return and cleanse our souls? i sit on a street in Southampton in a world divided by enablers and addicts and i wonder how many lives have i taken. a quarter of my life spent terrified of the truth, terrified of who i really am, consumed by guilt and unable or unwilling to recognize all the splendor thats here in the wonderful present. if everyone suffers from depression, anxiety , loneliness, sleeplessness, jealously, denial, restless mind syndrome, manic living, manic eating, manic fucking, then why do we take our pills in secret. how much is anonymity worth to you, and how is it different than just being alone? why do we put such a price on life without fear?why is our meaning handed out like free samples, and told truth is hiding anywhere but in ourselves and in each other. we enjoy a public nervous breakdown like the romans enjoyed burning the bodies of the faithful. we are spectators in a ring of death, and dying just the same. a candle snuffed out in a pasture of neon light. what drugs are keeping you alive, happy, focussed,thin,energized, socially secure, numb to pain, numb to sadness ...numb. we are the manic children of a single god few have spoken to or seen,but if you listen really close you can hear her as all the world sobs . she says" you don't ever have to be afraid, because nothing is real expect love". then we kill her, and go back to wondering why.
lets not let another person take there life(or have there life taken) before we begin to ask why we choose to live like this. obsessed with and starving for fear and all its by-products,diagnosed and separate from all the other terminal cases.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

I'm happy, but I'm not.
I've got a great family and great friends and a great boyfriend. Why can't I find that perfect happiness. Is anyone ever really perfectly happy? Maybe I'm expecting too much.

I am happy. I really am. I'm just not perfectly content with where my life is heading.

I don't like school (but who does...oh wait...I normally do).
My roommates...I love them. I really do. But they are so totally different than I am. It's hard. It's really hard.
I miss my family and I miss my friends and I miss my boyfriend more than I thought I could.
College is expensive too. If I came back here and went to school it would save so much money. To live at home and get a job and eat here. I would only have to worry about tuition. It's a tough decision though. I mean I already have so much invested in this college. I mean think of the shirts and sweatshirts I've already bought haha. Do I really want to give up the freedom of living on my own? Of not having to call every time I go out? Or do I kinda-maybe-a-little-bit miss that? Part of me does and part of me doesn't. Do I want to leave my roommates alone? Would they care if I left and went to school here? They probably don't even know that I've been thinking about it.

I'm rambling. My blog...I don't care. No one reads it anyway haha.

I'm really sick right now. Just got back from Tennessee yesterday. Saw snow for the first time. Pretty sweet. Pretty cold as well. Hence the sickness. Ear infection and sinus infection. School starts tomorrow. When am I driving back? Tomorrow. First class at 11:00. When am I planning on getting to school? 10:00. Oh I got you there. You thought I'd say 11:00. Nope. I'm not that stupid. MW: 4 classes. Lit 11-11:50, Bio 12-12:50 (rush rush rush), Math for Teachers 3-4:15, Art 6-8:45. TR: Anthropology 1:40-2:55. R: Bio Lab 3-5:50. F: Lit 11-11:50, Bio 12-12:50.

I'm crazy. I think my roommates are both taking 12 hours again. I took 15 last semester. Sixteen this semester. Carly is taking like 18 or something crazy like that. My mom did that. And worked. I don't know if I can handle that. Fifteen was hard enough not working. I'm gonna try and get a job this semester. Oh boy, oh boy.

I think I'm gonna take a nap now. And rest. My poor, weary body.