Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Where do chemical imbalances come from? Why are we stressed or sad or crazy for no reason at all? Can it really be true that we've repressed things from childhood for so long, that they've manifested themselves in these ways? And if that's the case, how bad must those things be?

Do you ever notice that when you try to do things that will make you look better, feel better, be better, the bad things come out too? Just one more day of this, just one last time of this and I'll be better. And somehow it makes it all worse.

Do YOU ever feel unhappy, but not sad? Do you feel anything at all? What is worse?

I'm trying to make that decision right now. Feeling is good. Feeling bad, mad, sad is not good. Where is the balance? Oh right, keyword was "imbalance."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

There's no one to talk to and I just need to do a little directed, but unnamed ranting.

Are you that selfish? Grandma asks you not to mention his name, and yeah, okay, that's not really fair, but have you even tried to put yourself in this side of the family's position?

You know how much money was required to be given to you, but do you know how much extra every month was sent your way? Did your mom ever tell you about that? Did she tell you how we almost claimed bankruptcy? That that's why we moved away? How she has stores of money, enough to buy you a new car for your birthday, enough for her to lease a new car every year and redo a kitchen and a bathroom and how she still asked for more. And you thought I was the spoiled one. You know why grandma bought me more than you? It wasn't because I was the youngest. It was because we were struggling. It was because I actually called her. You know why grandma doesn't care about your feelings anymore? It's because you don't care about hers. You can't call and make plans with her and then just "forget" about that date and not call her or answer her calls.

Have you even thought about what it might feel like to have your child basically tell you that their stepdad (that they ranted about for years because he was such an asshole) is a better dad than you? "Well he's not my father, but he is one of my dads." I realize he's done a lot for you lately (apparently a lot to you is anything having to do with money), but does that make you completely forget about all the shit he put you through over the years? Apparently. I hope one day your kid asks for a huge wedding and you can't afford it and an aunt or uncle steps in and pays for it all. I hope you get to know the feeling of having your kid love someone more for money.

It's no wonder grandma doesn't want to hear his name. Not only has he stolen HER son's position in your heart, but he's a total asshole to her. I don't care if you didn't have the whole story and think he said nothing wrong. He did. Grandma does everything she can to help them. And getting patronized shouldn't be her payment. Having things she buys thrown away shouldn't be part of it either. BS what she buys is inappropriate. Your mom and grandma buy her South Pole and Applebottom jeans and she walks around looking like a fool. A SpongeBob radio or a Hannah Montana t-shirt are not inappropriate just because your mom deems them that. " OMG SpongeBob is a homosexual! She can't have that." ::trash::

Your family is full of hypocritical posers. They're your family and you'll always love them, just like I'll continue to love you through all of this, but I hope one day you realize.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

It really sucks when people move away. It really hurts growing up, having one person to really look up to, a really Godly woman, having them tell you they'll always be there to listen or give advice and then having them move away and have basically no contact. Time and distance are hard to reach through.

Years go by and these things still get to me sometimes. I know they'd be there if I called, but now we've grown so far apart it doesn't really matter anymore does it?

A little contact would be nice. If I comment on your facebook. If I say I miss you guys. A comment back would be nice sometimes. Especially, for the ones who "feel like family."

Just a note: if you're ever depressed, don't take a trip down memory lane. Pictures are a bad idea.

I could use a break. Retreating to the world of Harry Potter for a little vacation.