Wednesday, January 28, 2009




Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I've had several dreams lately about going to California.  I do not know why.  I do not know what I'd do there.  All I know is that I have this strange urge to go out there.  To see everything.  I really would like to take a cross-country roadtrip.  To see every state.  But California is calling out to me.  Whyy, why?!  This will need some prayer I think.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Not all "you's" are the same

Dear you,
You told me that I had nothing to worry about, but now I know I did.  She wanted you all along and was just waiting for us to break up so she could pounce on you.  So go up to her.  You're free now.  Yes, it probably will hurt my feelings.  It already has.  But I have no claim on you and I don't want you back, so go.  She's got it planned.  The roommates are out.  And you just confirmed it. "Oh well I'm gonna go fuck her brains out now."

The question is, will you still be my friend or did our relationship mean nothing to you for a year?  You said you didn't care.  So, I guess it's up to you.

Love (or don't),

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Dear You,

Dear you,
I really like you.  It makes me kind of sad that you're very busy and it makes me even sadder that by the time you are not busy anymore, you might be moving away.

You are very confusing.  But for some reason I'm still drawn to you.  And you seem to be somewhat drawn to me, since you picked me out of everyone else available to you.

A little reassurance from you wouldn't hurt though.  You don't have to commit to anything, but just tell me.

Dear other you,
I wish boys were not always so crappy.  We seem to have similar troubles sometimes, but I don't always want to compare us to each other because we have un-similar problems as well.  I pray for you when I remember to.  And I think about you and your situation a lot.  And since God hears my thoughts, and when talking to myself, I'm really talking to Him, I guess I pray about it a lot haha.

Dear other other you,
You drive me crazy with your constant questioning.  I think you're just curious, but wait until we're having a conversation to ask things maybe.  You push and push and it makes me go insane.

Dear former love interest,
You were a very good friend for a while and I fell pretty hard for you.  When you showed the same feelings I was ecstatic.   Until you told me you were just having fun.  We didn't talk for almost a year and things were very awkward.  Then we slowly started to become friends again and that one time you seemed truly interested in pursuing a deep friendship.  Then you just stopped talking.  Then another time I wrote a note to you and told you how I was sad that we weren't friends anymore, but that I was also really mad about it.  Then you acted like the note didn't exist, but you started talking to me again.  Theeeeen I asked you if you had heard that CD and you didn't respond, but you responded to those other people.  So I give up.  I'm done.  Everyone thinks we'd be perfect for each other and for some reason, even though we never talk, they think we'll get married.  I don't see it happening.

Ps.  You need to grow up.

Dear Poppa,
I still think about you at random times and get sad.  I didn't deal with it when I should have and now it's coming back in weird ways.  I miss you and I'm glad I got to spend time with you at the end.  I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of the time before you got sick.  I love you.

Dear body,
Why are you craving sweets?  Are you preggers?  I would hope not.  That would be hard to explain.  Stop craving donuts please.  My mouth cannot resist and you are going to get fat.  Do you want to get fat?!

PS. Dear canker sore in my mouth,
Please go away.  I know I created you with all my stress and you were just trying to warn me to slow down so I wouldn't get sick, but I didn't slow down and I'm getting sick and you're making the problem worse.  And you really, really hurt.  Like a lot.  So please go away.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I'm trying to keep up with homework, but there's one assignment I keep putting off. Bad bad bad! I do not want to fail!

Sunday, January 18, 2009


So what defines a virgin?
Pure in body?
Pure in thought?
The dictionary had a lot to say.
Could mean unmarried. But I know lots of unmarried people that aren't virgins.
And if we're talking about the human mind, then there are tons that aren't virgins.

Pure in body?
But where does that begin?
For some people, premarital hand-holding or kissing is too far.

Have we all already gone too far?

And if we have, what's the point in waiting?

Friday, January 16, 2009

I really really hope it wasn't a mistake.

Please, don't let me have been duped again.  This time there's a lot more at stake.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Post Secret

This week had a lot I really enjoyed.Photobucket
I am surprisingly calm at the thought of what I did.

Trying to emulate Caleb's facebook statuses, last night while trying to fall asleep I came up with these.

I am the hollow wood, chiming in the wind.
I am the glowing ember, high above the flame.
I am the ash left after the fire you started.
I am the dying leaf falling to the ground.

But I am none of those things. I am the content cat bathing in the sun coming in through the windows.

Speaking of cats, did you know that peta is trying to petition for the renaming of fish. What do they want to name them you ask? Sea Kittens. Because no one would want to kill a cute little sea kitten.

So. Not. Kidding.

My hands are cold. My hands are cold.

This is my favorite song right now:
And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

"I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide"

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Started with a lie.
Ended with a lie.
Came back with the truth.
Does it end here again?

The choice is yours.

I know I'm crazy. I know I have a lot of thoughts. But that doesn't mean you can make this my fault.
You lied to me.
And the truth came out (haha) soo randomly, I had to laugh.

My feelings remain the same, but I am PISSED that you did this to me.

"This is why I don't open up to girls like you."

Do NOT try to make me feel bad about this. When the truth comes out after a lie you better expect to get a whole hell of a lot of word vomit from me.

But I took a xanax and I am calmer now.

So look. Its not the amount that bothers me Its the fact that you lied. End. Of. Story.

To anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about (everyone since that person doesn't read my blog lolz), I apologize for my rant. I can't sleep now though and needed to get my stream of consciousness out not in texts to that person since it was pissing them off.

Oh and to the other one that MAY read this blog, I don't care if you've slept with however many girls. I just didn't expect to hear that from you. Don't make a big deal out of that.

Monday, January 5, 2009

A new year.

The end of so much and the beginning of...what?

He tried not to seem vulnerable or hurt, but I don't know what he really felt.

I cried all night.

And I thought I was ready.


Saturday, January 3, 2009

To clarify. The first part was about people coming back. The second part was about memories flooding my eyes.

This part is about my eye and right side of my face twitching.

And how can he be so blind? I've been trying for 6 months. And now I just don't care.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Well I saw that coming

I do remember saying that I saw this coming. Or I at least hoped. But it happened. I'm clairvoyant.

Sometimes it happens when I see an older person.

It happens a lot when I walk down the aisle with baby wipes and shampoo and diapers.

It happens when its quiet.

But it definitely happens when I find this in my room: