Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My brain is running, but it's on auto-pilot. I feel like I've been conditioned for so long to answer, "How are you?" with, "Fine," that that's all I ever say. When my friends ask: fine. When my parents ask: fine. When customers ask: I'm good. When doctors ask: I'm okay.

When do I ever take the time to think about how I really feel?

Does anyone else struggle with this? I know we all know those people who ask how you are, but don't really care. It's all about being polite. So you give the short simple answer. But do you do that with others as well?

Does anyone have the opposite? The people that do want to know, but you don't want to give detail to so you keep it sweet?

How do I really feel? If I start saying how I really feel will I be called a complainer? A whiner? Is it worth it to be given a title to figure out how you really feel? Or to see if someone would really care?

How am I today?

How am I?

Work sucked. For no reason in particular. Bad mood, bad break time, long period on the express line. Every customer had a case of the Mondays. I had a case of the mondays. And my back hurt.

Felt too tired to go out after work, but I did anyways. For the friends. Watched some movies. Got some love. It cheers me up and makes me think all at once. And then I had to drive home by myself, in the dark, sleepy.

That's how I feel.

I feel like I took an ambien to be able to wake up early tomorrow to go see a movie, but that I probably won't wake up because of the ambien. And I feel like my bf is going to be angry about that. I would be too. I would be too.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Please, just hold on for me.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Well, bye bye, scholarship. With my grades this semester, I doubt I'll be able to pull it up by the next. Even with all A's. Gosh how could I let myself do this? I stopped playing games, I cut back on hours and still I did poor. Worst grades yet in college. Junior year was tough in high school too.

If I lose my scholahship, I won't be able to afford school.

I want to give in.

I need to see my doctors. All of them. I'm having stress issues that are starting to worry me. I do not want to fall back into depression. The stress causes so many health issues for me as well. TMJ, IBS, breakouts, infections. I can't fight anything off. And the panic attacks are starting again. The tightness in my chest. That overwhelming feeling that something isn't right. I need to gain control, but I don't know how.

I just want to lay around and do nothing. I feel the worst I've felt in a long, long time. Help.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I need to stop biting my lips. I do it when I'm nervous. Angry. Trying to look sexy.

I was reading. Poetry. Something sad. Something familiar. And now my lip is swollen like it was sucked on, by a lover, a bit too hard. It'll bruise by morning.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

012. Bring a friend to church.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I've been neglecting my blog. I keep going to start one and I just can't think of what to say. I've been tumbling (is that right?) a lot. Tumblring? Tumblrogging? I like tumbling. But I haven't been writing much, just reblogging people's photos, so it's nothing to miss out on. Maybe I'll try to type something out tonight, from my bed.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sounded like a plane was gonna crash into my house just now.

Yesterday would have been my grandpa's birthday. My grandma had a mass set up for him. I didn't go to this one. Last year's was completely in Latin. I'm kinda sad I missed it though. A second birthday without him. It feels so weird still. I'm used to it. I move on. I live from day to day. But he shows up in my dreams. Or in the silent moments. And it still hurts.

My jaw is very tight right now. I have knots in the muscle. And two big cystic knots on either side. They hurt like a mother.

My skin is not behaving. I want to scrub till I bleed.

New skin.

Final final tomorrow. My gpa is going to be not high enough for my Aid. Might be out of school for a semester.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Am I gonna be alright?

I know how it usually goes.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

In love with tragedy..

Why do I always write from my bed?
Because I get sad.
Why do I always get sad in bed?
Becaue I'm alone. My thoughts have time to wander. I take the whole day and the whole week and everything and dump it on myself at once because I couldn't deal with it earlier. No wonder I can't sleep.

I have this weird feeling. And I can't figure out where it's coming from or what it is.

I finished my portfolio I was stressing over. I have just a few exams left.

I should be feeling better.

I feel like I'm hiding from the world. No one knows how I really feel. But I have happy times. I'm not crying or moody. I just don't understand. I kind of wonder if the depression is back, it's just not full on because of the medicine. So what's worse? Fake, empty happiness or deep depression?

At least the weather is nice. And by nice, I mean rainy and gloomy and starting to cool off.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear you,
I'm sure you just fell asleep and I realize now that I was neglecting our texting conversation (sometimes I think I'm the last one to reply and assume you're busy...then I realize I never replied at all), but it secretly makes me sad inside when I don't get a reply back from you at night. Truth is, I enjoy falling asleep while texting you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

"But don't wait up just leave the light on
'Cause all the roads that I might take
Will all one day lead back to you"

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

090. Help my mom and dad with the computer without storming off or going crazy.
Can I get a break?

Probably not.
I love raccoons. But when they knock over my trashcans and make the motion sensor light outside of my window turn on it makes me think I'm gonna be killed by a robber. Which is not so cool...