Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tonight I have a headache.

Tonight I have insomnia.

Tonight I have a rolling stomach.

Tonight I am restless.

And I do not know why.

I'm tired.

I'm very tired. Sometimes I wish I had gone on academic disability. Finals week is stressful for me and I don't even have finals. I stay up late not studying. I wake up late to not study. I am exhausted. I am scatterbrained.

Fibro fog is setting in and I still have so much to do.

Why was I made this way?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Today I received sad and happy news and found myself crying in front of many women at church. A good, older friend of mine has a sister who has been very ill for many years. Struggling with cancer. Going into remission only to relapse. And she is not saved. This is something my friend and our church have been praying about for years. Today my friend told me that her sister has been moved to hospice. The chemo has caused kidney failure and she is now struggling with sepsis. Her body, so weak, is just shutting down. The doctor said she would probably just get tired and fall asleep. So my friend has been running around trying to keep her from getting too tired. To hang on just a little bit longer.

The good news is that a group of kids was at the hospice center. A boy asked her if she had any prayer requests. She misheard him and thought he asked if she'd like to pray. She agreed on the terms that he would close it out. In that prayer she thanked God for Jesus. For sending Him to cover her sins. And she ended her prayer for the first time ever, in Jesus' name.

Hearing this I began to cry without realizing it. I knew how much my friend has been praying. Praying for more years than I've been alive. And I was overcome with joy for her. Sadness for her loss, but joy in knowing that they would see each other again in Heaven.

There are all these little things my friend is wondering about. Her sister resorted to this at the end, out of fear. She hasn't been baptized. But we have a merciful God. She said someone spoke these words to her:

Some will enter God's kingdom as mature believers and some will enter as babes. They won't know scripture or worship songs. But they will know God.

He is risen.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I'm starting to believe work is conscious of the fact that I plan important things around my "normal" schedule and switch it up to mess with me.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I have the best boyfriend ever.

It's true.

I got lucky.

Perfect mix of similarities and differences.



Monday, April 18, 2011

Sometimes for no reason.
My stomach turns in the middle of the night and I fear.
And I leap out of bed.
And I run to the bathroom.
And I lean over the toilet.
And sometimes there is acid.
Bile from deep down.
Bile buried deep from years of regret.
And sometimes there is just the taste.
Just the smell.
And I realize how close I got.
And sometimes there is nothing at all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Brain hurts.
Almost 5 am.
Tear stained.
Loud trucks.

Sleep is now a far away place.

There will be no more waking up to check texts. Wait until morning. What was I thinking?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The last few days have been difficult. Emotionally.

I am happy. Don't get me wrong. I just have those moments.

July is getting closer. I don't know how we'll deal with it this year. I wanna be there for grandma. For dad. I wanna go to mass. But while I wanna focus my entire day on him. I want to run away. Be distracted. Forget. Grandma deals every day. Every night. She puts herself through it. Dad deals internally. He doesn't realize how much it affects him. I deal on nights like this. When it hits. And it hits hard.

And I want to remember.

And I want to forget.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I seriously think I'll be sick.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You can't not talk to all of us forever.

Then you'll be left all alone.

But you can't sit there and think you can reign over us anymore.

We're all adults now. Act like it. And treat us with a little respect.


I've not been feeling well for a few days. Speedy heart rate and shortness of breath, go away.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Can I just say

how stinkin' happy I am?

Cause. It's awesome.

Philosophical thought....who needs 'em.

I'm happy. And that's all that needs to be said.