I do not want to work today. I never want to work anymore.

I want to crawl back in bed. Not even sleep. Just lay.


Whip It is my current favorite movie.

A quote from the book I quoted.

It's true, you know.

I'm in a bad place right now.

Last night the thought crossed my mind to swallow a bottle of pills. I haven't had a thought like that in a long time. It was just there. How do I deal with this?

"She gets up and searches aroun her backpack for a moment, and then reaches over and grabs The Bell Jar, and reads to me. 'But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so whte and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.' She sits back down next to me, close, facing me, the fabric of our jeans touching without our knees actually touchig. Margo says, 'I know what she's talking about. The something deeper and more secre. It's like cracks inside of you. Like there are these fault lines where things don't meet up right.'"

Tonight I had my first nosebleed.

I think I'm excited about this.

I'm sorry.

Panic attack

Lying in bed.
Tight chest.
Bed shaking like a cheap, coin operated motel matress.
Gritting my teeth hard.

Brain zaps.

But I can't figure out what it is exactly.

Other than the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a few days.

Disagreements happen when friends wanna be more than friends. Been down that road before. Didn't work. I just don't wanna mess things up. Idk what I want. My head is full of feelings that don't make sense.