Tuesday, November 25, 2008


So seeing as I haven't had my meds for 4 days because the pharmacy hasn't mailed them to me yet, I've been going through some pretty wacky withdrawals. Migraines, brain buzz, dehydration and inability to sleep to name a few. Because of all of this, I've been spending a lot of time on the internet. I've also been thinking. And thinking without anti-depressants leads to crying. So here I am at 12:41 AM, needing to wake up in 7 hours to get ready for class, crying about my future and my grandpa (don't even ask how everything gets merged together) and I decide, "Hey, I might as well write about this."

So I have this so-called "invisible disease" called Fibromyalgia (Fi-bro-MY-al-ja). And I've been reading a lot of stuff. And I'm really starting to freak out about what might happen to me in the future. You see, I'm not that bad right now. Vague pain, chronic fatigue. I've felt this way for a very long time. Either I've gotten used to the pain or I'm not as bad as some people are. I already feel like an old person. By the time I hit 30, what's going to happen to me? Will I need a cane or a walker? Will I be able to raise my children? Cook and clean? Will I even be able to hold down a job?

I cooked dinner tonight. I felt this burst of energy as I thought of a great recipe to try. Half-way through I could tell it had been a bad idea. I was starting to wobble. By the end of cooking, I wasn't even hungry. I had to lie down.

It happens like that for me. I get these sudden bursts where I feel like I can do something. And because I normally can't, I decide to over do it. And then I pay for it.

I've been told I just need to exercise. You exercise for me please, and then realize when you're done that you haven't worked out in over a year and you totally forgot to stretch and warm up. You know that burn? Multiply that.

The Clothespin Challenge

"Granted, the pain we feel with Fibromyalgia is much greater than pinching your skin with a clothespin but you have to remember that the people you will have do this challenge are not used to experiencing pain on a daily basis like we are. Although to us a clothespin pinching may be mild, to someone not in our shoes it could hurt a lot. It is just to show what it is like to be in constant pain. It is NOT a comparision of the type of pain or the illness itself."

Here’s how it works:

- Place a clothespin on your finger

- Set a timer for 30 minutes

- See how long you can bear the pain. Did you leave the clothespin on for 15 minutes? 10? 5?

- NOW. Imagine this pain forever… This should help you understand what it is like to live with constant pain - but people with FM can’t just “remove” the pain the way you can remove that clothespin!

I sit in the shower. It's sometimes a struggle to brush my hair. I find that sometimes it takes effort to breathe (and wonder what it would be like if I could just...not). My skin is sensitive. Not just in the sensitive skin way (which it never used to be, but is now), but in the way that you could brush up against me and it would feel like fire.

Have you ever had a long night of drinking, and not hydrated yourself at all? You woke up feeling like crap right? Imagine that constantly.

Ever walked to the fridge to get something and forgotten what you went for? Try getting up to go to the bathroom and ending up brushing your cat in the other room only to remember 15 minutes later you needed to pee. And oh yeah, you have a paper due in 3 hours.

I try not to dwell on this stuff. I finally have a name for the way I feel, rather than just chalking it up to depression and lack of exercise.