With just a few days left to go in this journey (I never thought it would end honestly), I went back and reevaluated all the ones left uncompleted. Overall, I think I've done a pretty good job even though I didn't get or try to do all of them.

001. Read the Bible everyday. I’ve started doing this.

016. Replace my Disney VHS collection with DVDs. I've done a pretty good job with this.

021. Learn how to save.

022. Learn how to invest. I'm no expert, but I've got some of the basics down.

031. Have a meaningful conversation on a swingset. I miss days like this.

034. Learn to cook. Not quite a chef, but I've made some excellent new recipes.

051. Visit my family in Pennsylvania again (preferably not for a funeral). And it was beautiful...

054. Make 10 new friends (10/10). I've made quite a few new friends and acquaintances over the last thousand days. Whether or not I'm super close with them, I will consider this complete.

057. Do something creative with all my pressed flowers.

072. Only buy things when I need them. I don't know if anyone will ever be perfect at this, but I have gotten a lot better. I still splurge every now and then, but mostly it is on things that I use a lot.

075. Get off as many medications as I can. I will be making an appointment with my doctor soon to do this. I don't like to be wasteful, so I'm waiting until I dwindle down my medicinal supplies.

076. Get off caffeine. I don't know if I'll ever fully do this, but I am making an effort to stop drinking as many sodas. Overall, this will be much healthier than my current situation.

077. Eat healthier. This is something to work on day by day. I am doing better, although I still pig out occasionally and I eat portions that are much too large.

097. Take a minute, to take a breath and enjoy something small. While I still don't do this as often as I'd like, I am getting better at stopping to smell the roses.

I won't have the next 1001 days list completed for a while, but I have started thinking about it.

Ps. Tutoring session went okay. It's gonna be tough. I hope that I am able to help her. It's not really grammar that is her problem, it's translating what she hears to her native language and back again.

http://athousandandonedays.blogspot.com/

007. Graduate with my Bachelor’s. On time.
044. Waste film on lomography because it’s fun.
067. Keep my room clean for a whole week.
093. Visit Jeff and Rachel (former youth minister and wife). They visited me. This counts.


I’ve begun to realize that this will never happen.
048. Don’t waste time watching reruns of shows I’ve seen.


New blog: coming to a page near you.

Time for a change

I fear that it is time to move. Time to change.

This blog has been with me through four years of college. Until I go back (if I go back), the name does not fit.

So I will move on, full steam ahead.

Stress is a bitch.

Today I ate gluten.

Today I feel fat.

Things with estradiol are bad.

And making me fat.

What to do? What to do?

I do not know where I will be in a year. What I will be.

I am about to graduate with my BA.

Which means I need a new blog title, unless I continue on to grad school.

And that is the dilemma.

My attempts to go directly onto my master's work was foiled. Two teachers promised to write me letters of recommendation and have since stopped responding. I briefly thought about stalking them during their office hours, but really...what's the point.

It's kind of discouraging.

I want to go to grad school now.

But what if in a year my priorities have changed?

What if I get accepted to the program of my dreams and decide not to go?

What if I regret that in 20 years?

What if I don't?


So right now I'm stuck.

I'm stuck working a menial job that I hate.

A job that severely stressed me out.

I'm stuck because...I don't want to get a real job and if I decide to go to London for a year for grad school, or the school in Scotland, or even somewhere in the States, have to quit. But I honestly can't see myself staying where I am for another year.

So these are the options I have. I should create a poll and let all 3 of you readers tell me what to do.


1. Stay at home. Stay at work. Be miserable.

2. Begin looking for temporary jobs that are somewhat better than my current one. Jobs that pay more. Stay at home. Save money. Decide later.

3. Apply to grad schools out of the country. The program of my dreams. A degree that only takes a year. The perfect plan. Find someone to write a letter of recommendation.

4. Apply to programs in the States. In my state. In the south. In high quality programs in NYC and LA (I shudder at the thought of living in those places).

5. Look into obtaining certificates without a master's degree. A lot of schools offer publishing and editing certificates to go along with any degree. Search for schools that offer those certificates to non-degree seeking students. Search for school's that offer those programs online.

6. Look into becoming a paralegal and obtaining a certificate in that as well. Not my ideal job, but certainly something high paying and better than what I'm doing right now.


These are all the options that have been running around in my hamster brain this week. I'm not sure what I want to do. They're all good options (besides number 1).

So...what to do? What to do?

I better not get blamed for any of this now....but my uterus hurts.

I don't know which album that's come out in the last 3 months that I want the most. Probably Bon Iver. Trying not to illegally download. But I can't believe I haven't listened to a single song off it yet. Must. Make. Way. To. Record. Store.

Sometimes I get distracted going to bed. I start doing one thing which leads to another which leads to another.

Sometimes I think you play me songs and I think they're for me at first until I start to think that maybe they were for her.

Which is ok. Because I have songs for them. It will just always be songs for them. But you play them without talking or explaining. Half the song fits me. Half fits your past. I can't know.

Don't take this personally.

You talked about her. Which is good. You need to get that out. To figure out why it bothered you. But. Did you mention me? And when you did, did you blame me? I feel like I'm realizing I can't blame myself because I told you over and over to get your priorities right.

But you know it still hurts.

And where does that leave me...

I feel okay. And I feel broken. I am okay. Just torn. Where does this leave me? What do I do?

Sometimes I think about scary things. Sometimes I jump in the future (maybe not so distant) and freak out. I'm feeling like there's a curse at my store. Just avout every girl's dad has passed away before or during working at the store. Is that something I'm destined to follow? If so I want to quit right away.

Sometimes I'm scared to ask you questions. Sometimes I'm scared to ask about your dad. And you don't want to open up. And I can't pry. So I sit here in the dark not knowing.

Medication rant. Apologies.

One of my bosses (kinda) at work was asking me what my major is. What I'd be majoring in if I get my Master's. She said, "Oh yeah, my friend was a writing major. She hasn't found a job in 3 years. She works at a grocery store now. I just don't think that major is a good idea."

A) I'm already graduating. Thanks for the helpful tip that I should change my major NOW.

4. You never went to college. You're working your way up to middle management. Wow. That's something to be proud of.

ii. Your friend also wasn't actively searching for employment. Nor was she looking for employment in the field I am trying to break into. She was writing. Plain and simple. Nothing else.

7.9) I don't care that you know a lot of English majors that aren't working in that field or that can't find jobs. I am not them.

G. NO I DON'T WANT TO BE A TEACHER.

My body hates me

I'm so tired.

So sick still.

Brain is racing about everything and nothing and past (not even my pass) and I'm so drugged up on everything I took to stop the cough and the sneeze and the pain and the race. And it's running. And the drugs make me philoslothocal (lol). And the music makes it...flow. But I just want to sleep. Please? Please.

Please?

Just forget.

Put it out of your mind.

And forget.

To sleep.

To dream.

And morning will bring

another day.

Love Skins

As he's taking his anti-depressants and saying he's crazy.

Michelle: You're very up front.

Josh: What other way is there to be?

My mom is making a quilt.

She's using fabric from things she made in high school.

Cool.

She's also using fabric that I purchased.

To make things.

When I was in high school.

And she doesn't understand

why I keep asking her why she's using my fabric.

It's the same reason her mom didn't use her fabric to make a quilt.

Because one day

I want to make a quilt

using the fabric from things I made in high school.



But now it's all gone.

All day I have tasted vomit. Smelled it. I'm worried about my ulcer. I'm worried about my health. 

My hip popped out of place. My sciatica is pinched. 

I'm twitchy.

Vomit on my breath. 

Mind racing. 

Muddled thoughts. 

Almost passing out. A lot.

Aching hands. 


Ethel is falling apart. 


On the other hand, I'm happy as a duck. Or something else equally happy. And why are ducks so happy?
Is that even a saying? It's not. Happy as a clam. Happy as a lark.

I have a funny happy as a clam cartoon. It makes me laugh lots.


Work still sucks.

School's out for two weeks.

I want to see the bestie, Carly. And be friends with her kidney on Facebook.


I think she reads this. I worry about her a lot still. Sorry, Carly. I try not to panic, but...I love you. Try not to need anymore surgeries. You can still be an old lady with me. But no more of this nonsense. Tumors be damned. Let them know I'll go all Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer/Navy Seal on their tiny orange asses.

has a heart
has a heart
has a heart



and it's collapsing.

Tonight I have a headache.

Tonight I have insomnia.

Tonight I have a rolling stomach.

Tonight I am restless.


And I do not know why.

I'm tired.

I'm very tired. Sometimes I wish I had gone on academic disability. Finals week is stressful for me and I don't even have finals. I stay up late not studying. I wake up late to not study. I am exhausted. I am scatterbrained.

Fibro fog is setting in and I still have so much to do.


Why was I made this way?

Today I received sad and happy news and found myself crying in front of many women at church. A good, older friend of mine has a sister who has been very ill for many years. Struggling with cancer. Going into remission only to relapse. And she is not saved. This is something my friend and our church have been praying about for years. Today my friend told me that her sister has been moved to hospice. The chemo has caused kidney failure and she is now struggling with sepsis. Her body, so weak, is just shutting down. The doctor said she would probably just get tired and fall asleep. So my friend has been running around trying to keep her from getting too tired. To hang on just a little bit longer.

The good news is that a group of kids was at the hospice center. A boy asked her if she had any prayer requests. She misheard him and thought he asked if she'd like to pray. She agreed on the terms that he would close it out. In that prayer she thanked God for Jesus. For sending Him to cover her sins. And she ended her prayer for the first time ever, in Jesus' name.

Hearing this I began to cry without realizing it. I knew how much my friend has been praying. Praying for more years than I've been alive. And I was overcome with joy for her. Sadness for her loss, but joy in knowing that they would see each other again in Heaven.

There are all these little things my friend is wondering about. Her sister resorted to this at the end, out of fear. She hasn't been baptized. But we have a merciful God. She said someone spoke these words to her:

Some will enter God's kingdom as mature believers and some will enter as babes. They won't know scripture or worship songs. But they will know God.


He is risen.

I'm starting to believe work is conscious of the fact that I plan important things around my "normal" schedule and switch it up to mess with me.