Today I ate gluten.

Today I feel fat.

Things with estradiol are bad.

And making me fat.

What to do? What to do?

I do not know where I will be in a year. What I will be.

I am about to graduate with my BA.

Which means I need a new blog title, unless I continue on to grad school.

And that is the dilemma.

My attempts to go directly onto my master's work was foiled. Two teachers promised to write me letters of recommendation and have since stopped responding. I briefly thought about stalking them during their office hours, but really...what's the point.

It's kind of discouraging.

I want to go to grad school now.

But what if in a year my priorities have changed?

What if I get accepted to the program of my dreams and decide not to go?

What if I regret that in 20 years?

What if I don't?


So right now I'm stuck.

I'm stuck working a menial job that I hate.

A job that severely stressed me out.

I'm stuck because...I don't want to get a real job and if I decide to go to London for a year for grad school, or the school in Scotland, or even somewhere in the States, have to quit. But I honestly can't see myself staying where I am for another year.

So these are the options I have. I should create a poll and let all 3 of you readers tell me what to do.


1. Stay at home. Stay at work. Be miserable.

2. Begin looking for temporary jobs that are somewhat better than my current one. Jobs that pay more. Stay at home. Save money. Decide later.

3. Apply to grad schools out of the country. The program of my dreams. A degree that only takes a year. The perfect plan. Find someone to write a letter of recommendation.

4. Apply to programs in the States. In my state. In the south. In high quality programs in NYC and LA (I shudder at the thought of living in those places).

5. Look into obtaining certificates without a master's degree. A lot of schools offer publishing and editing certificates to go along with any degree. Search for schools that offer those certificates to non-degree seeking students. Search for school's that offer those programs online.

6. Look into becoming a paralegal and obtaining a certificate in that as well. Not my ideal job, but certainly something high paying and better than what I'm doing right now.


These are all the options that have been running around in my hamster brain this week. I'm not sure what I want to do. They're all good options (besides number 1).

So...what to do? What to do?

I better not get blamed for any of this now....but my uterus hurts.

I don't know which album that's come out in the last 3 months that I want the most. Probably Bon Iver. Trying not to illegally download. But I can't believe I haven't listened to a single song off it yet. Must. Make. Way. To. Record. Store.

Sometimes I get distracted going to bed. I start doing one thing which leads to another which leads to another.

Sometimes I think you play me songs and I think they're for me at first until I start to think that maybe they were for her.

Which is ok. Because I have songs for them. It will just always be songs for them. But you play them without talking or explaining. Half the song fits me. Half fits your past. I can't know.

Don't take this personally.

You talked about her. Which is good. You need to get that out. To figure out why it bothered you. But. Did you mention me? And when you did, did you blame me? I feel like I'm realizing I can't blame myself because I told you over and over to get your priorities right.

But you know it still hurts.

And where does that leave me...

I feel okay. And I feel broken. I am okay. Just torn. Where does this leave me? What do I do?

Sometimes I think about scary things. Sometimes I jump in the future (maybe not so distant) and freak out. I'm feeling like there's a curse at my store. Just avout every girl's dad has passed away before or during working at the store. Is that something I'm destined to follow? If so I want to quit right away.

Sometimes I'm scared to ask you questions. Sometimes I'm scared to ask about your dad. And you don't want to open up. And I can't pry. So I sit here in the dark not knowing.

Medication rant. Apologies.

One of my bosses (kinda) at work was asking me what my major is. What I'd be majoring in if I get my Master's. She said, "Oh yeah, my friend was a writing major. She hasn't found a job in 3 years. She works at a grocery store now. I just don't think that major is a good idea."

A) I'm already graduating. Thanks for the helpful tip that I should change my major NOW.

4. You never went to college. You're working your way up to middle management. Wow. That's something to be proud of.

ii. Your friend also wasn't actively searching for employment. Nor was she looking for employment in the field I am trying to break into. She was writing. Plain and simple. Nothing else.

7.9) I don't care that you know a lot of English majors that aren't working in that field or that can't find jobs. I am not them.

G. NO I DON'T WANT TO BE A TEACHER.