Tuesday, May 19, 2009

So...I've been thinking a lot. Starting last summer I got very depressed. I was home from school and I wasn't as happy as I thought I'd be. I had been miserable at school and I don't think my roommates knew, but I missed the few people I had met up there. I had a crap job where I was disrespected and earned nothing. I was taking care of my grandpa at least two days a week. Normally more.

We weren't super close, but he was a good grandpa. We thought when he died it would be a relief. Part of it was. Mostly it was just very hard. My boyfriend at the time and his family did their best to help me. I repaid him by withdrawing to myself and eventually breaking up after our anniversary. I got a new job and met new friends, but July-December 2008 is all a blur.

I jumped right into something with a new guy, became very attached and scared him off. I basically had a breakdown from January to February. I kept it very deep inside, but it was there. I moved on to a new guy. Much slower this time.

The first guy came running back apologizing and I, being so ignorant fell into it again. He ran away yet again and came back. By this time I was onto my third conquest. I woke up one morning to find he had a girlfriend listed on facebook. That was a surprise. The first guy still didn't want a girlfriend and the second said he wasn't interested anymore.

During all this I was trying to get out of my funk (which I'm still in). I was trying to go out and party. I was trying to find someone to make me feel anything at all. Somehow I ended up with the second guy again.

I fell ridiculously hard for him. Now he doesn't want a relationship. He says he was foolish and stupid to lead me on and that was "the last thing" he wanted to do.

Looking back, this has all been very fast. Five months and I've moved through 3 new guys, several times. And I've felt used and disrespected. My heart feels like it's not there anymore. My chest feels concave and hollow.

This all seems very emo, but my point is that this whole time, I've been looking for something to fill this hole that started in me more than a year ago. And nothing seems to be working.


The Pensive Journeyman said...

I love you. With my whole being. You are special, beautiful, and incredible. I hope you never feel this way again.

I hope you never feel this way again.

You deserve so much better than that.
I pray that I am that "better"