I am not sure how to further explain to anyone that I am struggling with myself right now. That I am unhappy. That I fear and crave change. That I crave healing. And how this affects my relationships. How can it not? You can't expect me to be there for you when I can't hold myself together. Of course I'm going to explode. Or implode. And I don't know which is better right now.

Bed time for me is normally turning on the tv and trying to fall asleep. It's broken right now. Which is ok because normally I just use it for light anyway. Mute it, put a song on repeat or a good sleepy playlist. Sometimes I have philosophical thoughts, ideas for poems or films, sometimes I have bad memories or good ones. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just can't turn of my brain, but about nothing in particular. Like when your computer freezes and you can hear it running, trying to fix itself. But it's just running in place. 

Sometimes I feel very distant. And sometimes I feel very close. And sometimes I cycle in and out of those so quickly.
Much like I cycle through good and bad days pain wise, I've also been finding that I cycle emotionally. Sometimes for days. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes for just a few seconds.

Tonight I was driving along an empty road in total darkness and surrounded by trees. What you must know about me is that I don't like driving at night. I can't see at night. But there were no headlights shining in my eyes. I could see what was ahead of me even of it was just a few feet. And I realized how tranquil that was. And how I wish I could drive roads like that more often, with less cars and enjoy it. The moments I keep finding myself in where I am alone and I have time to think my thoughts or think nothing at all are the moments I am coming to enjoy the most.

For years now I have been numb. I do not deal with things. I throw them aside to be thought about later or buried even deeper. But it all comes back out. In one way or another it comes back out. It has been showing itself lately. I think that is why I'm cycling through emotions like a middle school girl.

So I've learned a few things about myself lately:

I really only like drinking I'm certain situations.

It's starting to upset my stomach more.

I still don't have hang overs.

I don't like being out very late.

I don't like driving at night.

I'm turning into an old lady.

I swear I can be better
I could be more to you
But there are things that line my path
That I just had to do

And I found myself attached to this railroad track
But I'll come back to you some day
To you


Some day


Maybe I should just turn around
Walk away
For no matter how much I really do want to stay
You know I can when it's too late

Not having a good night. Nothing gets easier in life. Only harder. Bring on the tissues. I finished two boxes, I need another.

Brave face. Brave face. Brave face.

This song is by Rilo Kiley. It's called "A Man/Me/Then Jim." Basically, I suggest Rilo Kiley or Jenny Lewis to anyone out there.

Click here or right-click>save as

"I'm sorry I'm hard to live with
Living is the problem for me."