Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I see myself stumbling down a downtown street, in red heels, arm in arm with friends and a huge laugh exploding on my face. I imagine that I could be this girl were it not for so many factors. I see these girls. They have jobs. Working in the mornings so they can go out as night and wake up the next morning, a little hungover, to do it again.

I can never be this girl. Reason 1: I can’t wear heels. I just can’t really walk in them. And they hurt my back. I can’t stay out late and wake up early. That cycle wears on me. I’ve tried it. I wish I could keep my days jam packed. It’s so nice to not be bored. To not sit on the couch with my parents, watching TV every night. But I’ve tried to be the party girl. Working, going out, and waking up to work again... I can barely make it through the day. I already have Chronic Fatigue, adding to that a hangover. It doesn’t work.

Alcohol and my meds. They don’t mix. I’ve tried that too. I’ve decided I need to stop drinking. I’ve decided I need to get off my meds. Yet, I don’t do either of those things.

I can’t be one of those well dressed girls, just drunk enough to feel a laugh, stammering to the cute boys around me, wandering in and out of clubs and pubs.

So I sit here on my couch in sweat pants. I write depressing blogs that few read. And I imagine all the things I could be doing with my life. I say all the things I want to do and I make no steps towards the goal.

What have I become?
What have I become?
What was I to begin with?