Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I'm moody right now. Irritable. Depressed slightly. My roommate (Sam, if you're reading this, I still love you) is driving me craaazy right now. She's sitting at her desk with her headphones on (not that it matters, the sound is turned up so loud I can hear it all) laughing at a comedian every five seconds. It was funny the first couple of days. It's still kind of funny when our other roommate, Kelly is here. We can laugh together. But I'm sitting here on the other side of the desks, by myself and I'm going crazy.

Oh she just stopped....we're going to get food. I'll finish this when I get back (the caf is amazing, by the way).

So, I'm back now. The caf has not been so amazing to me today. The caf has basically sucked today. But alas, it happens.

I'm feeling better though, now that I have some food in my system. But the moodiness will occur again I am sure. Sorry to anyone I talk to if I happen to be extra moody. I think I'll feel better when I go home and get all my music and all my pictures and everything on my old computer. And also when I see my family and watch some football and eat some cookies.

I really, really hope I'm not gonna get depressed again. I'm feeling....lost. I always thought of myself as a smart kid. Maybe it was going to private school and being around so few people. But I kinda doubt that. I really was quite bright. I scored high on all my exams, even when I switched to public school. I think that was when I started to get a little depressed, but it went in spurts. It didn't affect me for a while. I did quite well in 7th grade, but dropped off a bit in 8th because I turned into a slacker.

Ninth grade was when it really hit me though. I moved. Not far, but far enough that I wouldn't be going to the same high school as all of my middle school friends. I knew no one at this new school. I won't go into much detail here because the people that read this probably already know all of this, but I made friends and by the end I was doing pretty well. I got myself on some medicine and I got involved in a few things and my friends helped me tremendously and I was doing better. Granted, I was not doing my best. Like I said, I used to be smart. When the depression hit, it took away all of my concentration. All of my thought. I couldn't read or study or do anything. I was just...tired. And sad. And lonely.

And lost.

Well here I am, at a new school and moved away. I know some people here and I'm getting to know more, but I'm not as good as I once was at making friends. I'm not that cute little girl who charms everyone anymore. I think I scare people more than anything. Even my friends. I say things that they don't agree with or don't get and they get scared. Or maybe I just say wrong things. Weird things. And that's what it is. I don't know anymore. I've never really known.

I think I'm changing my major to Psychology. I want to help people like me. I want to help people who are worse off than me (because in reality, I do pretty well).

I don't want to feel like this anymore though. I feel stupid. I really, really do. I scraped through high school. How I got into college, I've no idea, but here I am. And I am completely lost.

I got better my senior year. I could do things again. Better than I had in a long time at least. Write papers that made sense (although I will admit, sadly, that my best pieces of poetry and music come to me when I am completely downtrodden). Read. I could do so many things again.

This is why I am worried right now. I have no desire to read. I have no real desire to do anything. Yes, I would like to go out and meet new people, but I'm just so freaking tired. I can't even write a paper. Seriously, I can't write a paper I have due Friday. I get the topic. I have what I need to say in my head, but I just can't get it out.

This is why I am worried.

Well guys, sorry for the long post. Sorry for the topic being all over the place.

I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.


Amber said...

Aw, I love you. And I really hope I have the chance to see you this weekend. I don't think you say weird things and I..I don't know, I just kind of get you. And, fyi. You're still cute slash charming as ever. And, it's funny you mention switching to psychology. This week, I decided to do the same. For the same reasons. Oh, how we're two peas in a pod. This comment is getting long...well, anyway, haha. I know you're not a big phone talker, but call me if you ever want to talk. Loveee youu.